writting a check

and checking it twice
I did it with erick and he came inside of me.
I'm worried that I might become pregnant so I'm buying the day after pill which is effective up to 72 hours. It's already been 24 and by tomorrow it will have been 48.
I'm going to take a check from my dad's check book and I'm going down to the wal-mart and buying the pill...again. I feel so bad, I wish it didn't have to get to this point but I can't have a baby, I just can't let that happen to me.
I was so stupid for not using protection, even though it was his idea, I should have had enough self control to say no, but I was just as much as willing participant.
This is so eerie blogging about this with my dad litteraly less than a foot from the lap top. In fact if he were to turn his head and bother to read what's on the screen he would find out my terrible secret.
I'm scared. I hope I can pull it off, and most of all I hope God has mercy in me and does not let me become pregnant.

A description of a stranger

he has soft hands
perhaps because he has always found himself in a position of power
His eyes, the colors of wood and honey, stare deeply into mine, searching for an aswer to the secretes in my own dark eyes
His voice is subtle and dark, low murmors meant only for me.
His breath is warm and seductive on my neck and in my ears.
His smile is slow and almost indecipherable and unseen if not caught quickly, he does this when I kiss him.

School is coming to an end and so is my high school "career" as I've so often heard it referred to. I don't believe it is much of a career, nor much of anything but a compilation of years wherein I made Friends, lost others, learned some stuff, forgot others, moved away, came back, fell in love, fell out of love, was rejected and pursued, passed, failed, shined, sucked, had fun, cried for hours, laughed for hours, yelled for hours, debated for hours, road my bike around, walked my dog, hung out with friends, went to concerts and parties, went trick or treating, had bbq's and road trips, went to the pool, kissed a boy, was kissed back, held hands, watched fireworks, watched funny, scary, angering, and inspiring movies, read great books, and some not so good. Listened to good and bad music, danced to the good music, went to dances for the matter, both in and out of school. Sometimes when to church, stayed up A LOT went to work, A LOT spend A LOT of money, save a Lil bit. Got a dog, won a few awards here and there, participated in the science fair, was a radio DJ, was president, volunteered, was suicidal, had a new lease on life, love myself, and my family, stayed true to who I was, did do drugs, or gone binge drinking (but I'm not a virgin anymore, meh, 2 out of 3- I still pass with an B ) and all in all I have no regrets.
All this and so much more I'm totally forgetting (like sleep overs, haunted houses, girls night out, wandering about alone, flirting with cute guys, slumber parties, making breakfast for friends, lies, truths, games of Uno with my grandma, beautiful summer nights, and morning, beautiful snowy Utah streets, perfect Christmases with my family and lonely valentines, as well as laughing till you pee, crying till your hand tingle, yelling till your hoarse, life, death, funerals, birthdays, baby showers, and life goes on...)

I CAN'T WAIT TIL TOMORROW.

U p and Comming Events!! &hearts

May 6th - Awards banquest U of U ballroom
May 10th- Lauren's Birthday
May 10th-11th-Mother's Day
May 13th- AP psychology exam
May 16th- show portfolio
May 21st- Senior/ Junior Banquet
May 26th- No School- All Day Date
June 2nd- Senior Lagoon Day 10 am to the rest of the night
June 3rd- Ames Check out
June 4th- Yearbook/BBQ
June 5th- Graduation at libby gardener Hall at 2:00 pm
June 6th- the first day of the rest of my life.

ramblings

i feel so sick
my neck is stiff, my head hurts, I have a sore throat, and I have like this thick mucus stuck to the inside of my throat.
It's lovely.
I'm not sure what it is though. Damn girl...

Never tell

Before tonight, I had few if any secrets.

Life forming

This is the way life works out.
you have a thought, a dream, an idea that could change your life, for good or bad.
then you begin to take baby step in the direction of that idea wether you are aware of it or not.
you begin to make progress and advance yourself in that direction.
Soon big changes and milestones begin to occure and you feel either happy or sad.

Yet another reason why SLC kicks ass

Having placed San Francisco and New York City atop its 1999 list of the best places to live, Money magazine editors focused this year on economically vibrant cities that are also successfully managing their growth and providing the highest quality of life around, selecting Portland, Oregon as the best overall and Sarasota, Florida as the best small city. Their regional 2000 awards went to Providence, Rhode Island in the Northeast; Chicago, Illinois in the Midwest; the Raleigh/Durham/Chapel Hill area, North Carolina in the South; and Salt Lake City, Utah in the West. All these cities have solid schools, healthy growth and low crime; all control urban sprawl, avoid overcrowding and put a premium on green space, culture and having an accessible city center. In contrast to San Francisco and New York City, which have became too expensive and more congested, this year's best cities keep their average home prices between $126,000 and $170,000 and their average commute time between 18 and 28 minutes. Happy to lead the best city, Portland Mayor Vera Katz says We're growing gracefully. 11/30/2000

So busy!! @_@

I'm so glad that I'm busy.
There's nothing more that I hate than just sitting around and not doing anything all day, that is soo boring. I want to be busy, freakin' out with a cup of cofee in one hand and an energy drink in the other, while I run to catch the bus to my internship. That life and I love every minute of it. The worry the anxiety it's beautiful in a weird way.
I love my internship, I enjoy comming in everyday and I stay as long as I can. It's so fulfilling knowing all the hard work done at MLC is for a good cause, and that I'm a part of it. I love, love, love life right now.
I'm starting my job at Joy's Deli, in the Downtown Library on Friday. It's going to be awsome!!
The only thing that worries me is the scheduling- Getting down here (downtown) at exactly 3, and balancing MLC and work, but I have a good feeling about this.
I'm planning on working at the deli from now till june, and then quitting to work full time, with pay, at MLC.
Then of course I start slcc in the fall and the first year of the rest of my life.
I'm going to save my money to buy a car. Once my two years at slcc are up, I'm planning on transferring at the U and either living somewhere nearby or right on campus.

I just need to play my cards right and get good grades this year in order to graduate. I also need to plan my senior project and do some volunteer events. Damn I'm a busy girl.
So for now I'm looking forward to a protest in front of the city council building on thursday
My training at joys deli in the library on friday
finishing my senior project
choosing my slcc classes in April
graduating from AMES
Starting MLC in June
going to Costa Rica
Attending SLCC in the fall
buying a car
transferring to the U two years later
Graduating From the U
These are the blueprints, now I'm going to do everything I possibly can, including but not limited to: pulling all nighters, putting off relationships for a while, flippin' burgers, and working my butt off, till I reach my goals.

No money = no food

I have no money and I'm hungry, but I have no food.
This is called being broke. That is me.
Today I left school with my sister and road the bus down to the main library where I took many beautiful pictures, but since I lost the cable to connect my camera to the computer I cannot show you them. I do however have a card reader in my possesion and I plan on uploading these beautiful pictures of SLC sometime later.
see ya

today is the day

yes, today is the day my friend.
Today in about three hours, (supposively) we'll be completely out of our apartment and on the road. (supposively.)

tomorrow

tomorrow can't come soon enough.
and after tomorrow comes, tomorrow cannot come soon enough once again, and once it happens it cannot stop.

Jim Carrol for Nobel Prize in Literature

Little Ode On St. Anne's Day


You're growing up
and rain sort of remains
on the branches of a tree
that will someday rule the earth.

and that's good
that there's rain
it clears the month
of your sorry rainbow expressions

and clears the streets
of the silent armies...

so we can dance




The penalty for desertion
is death by firing squad.

I'm saving you this trouble

enclosed is a pistol.
loaded with only one bullet.
squeeze the trigger once
perhaps nothing will happen.

but squeeze it a second time...
a third time... You see

I know the games you love

Just three more days

Just three more days
just three more days
just three more days

and I will be free

Just three more days
just three more days
just three more days

and I will be free

Just three more days
just three more days
just three more days

and the facade will fall away
and I will be free

But three more days cannot come soon enough, and I am burning from the inside out, slowly smoldering, my eyes watering, tears of lava rolling down my burnt cheeks, puffs of smoke rolling slowly, dully from within my lungs in big black clouds with each heavy sigh.

Just three more day
just three more days
just three more days

cannot come soon enough

justh three more days
just three more days
just three more days

before I fully combust.

a day without the letter, "C"

and without the the letter that looks like an upside down A, and the spare bar because the shitty keyboard I'm using doesn't have those letters or at least they don't react when you press down on them. I hae moila firefo and I could and probably will go bark and change it so that it has the 's and the 's and 's and spaes but then again, maybe I won't it''s kind of interesting lathing how dramaitially different my typing is when I don't hae these three little letter and an enter key. Today I will not hae paragraphs either beauswe I'm an only go down another line when I hae the enter key and I don't so whateer I'll be onent with what I hae right now and not omplain any. KIrkland it looks like I hae all these mistakes going but I don't I just hae these silly keys missing, I swear I would gie it the spell hek but work with me, bear with me, and I will hae it all bak in order by tomorrow I promise, don't miss out on antying either it's not like it's a big deal or anything just, writting to say that today we ouldn't go to shool and that we might as well be withdrawed beause we're leaing for utah as it is. Yeah I ould hange it but I won't or at least I don't feel like I hae to.Take to you tomorrow.

WTF? The college experience...

WTF is that?
I did a quick Google search of the college experience, and got back answers like, "The College Experience, A Blueprint for Success" to, "Does the college experience damage your brain?" and, "Alcohol and Your College Experience - Facts on Tap"
Lol
and in case you're wondering, I'm (unsurprisingly) going to community college in the fall. This'll be interesting won't it?
Maybe it's because I (and most, if not all of my friends,) actually know how to do laundry, cook, wash dishes, have held down a job or two (or a few) or because I have no interest in drinking, smoking, weed, sororities or frat parties that "The College Experience" just feels like a lame, overdone, Hollywood cliche to me.
Hell, a lot of the "should of's" in life have come and gone for me, and I still don't feel like I'm really missing out on anything.
My 15th birthday came and went, I had a small party, some called it a quince, (it really wasn't,) Nothing fancy really, just lame 70's music to entertain my parents, a nice cake, and a table for some of my friends- and a lot of other people's kids, that I wasn't really familiar with. Only one of the kids that I invited from school showed up. (and I invited tons of people.) But a lot of people I knew outside of school showed up. My friends and I had a great time, mostly talking and laughing. Sure, I kicked out this boy that was pissing me off, and I later ended up apologizing for it, but that was the first and last big moment of "drama" over any boy I can remember.
After that my sixteenth birthday came and went with absolutely no party, not even a present because my family and I were tight for money. A week later I got a small birthday cake from the grocery store, my family and I sang happy birthday, smiled for the camera a couple times, hugged, then ate cake. It was great. :D
Even though, like I said my family had been going through some financial troubles, I still felt like I was having some of the best times ever. I had recently got my dog Pancho (as a puppy back then.) I had recently gotten ribbons for participation and an honorable mention at my school's first science fair, and then an invitation to the Utah State Science fair, where I also won many awards and an honorable mention as well. Earlier that year I had won a blue ribbon in debate and my volunteer club was going great.
Though sure I was sad when I found out we were leaving for az and felt a little out of place during my jr year at a different high school I coped, got good grades and went on to this year, where I have "coasting grades." (c's which is why I didn't get accepted into the University of Utah.- but hey, I got into community college!)
Now I'm 18 never had a bf, never been kissed, never been to a crazy party, don't have a car and I don't feel like I've missed out on anything really.
I've traveled all up and down the west coast, from Yellowstone to Yosemite, and met lots of cool people. I love going to the movies (I've seen American Gangster like 3 times!) and I love going to Barns and Nobel's and reading weird books about secrete societies and listening to talk radio (Michael Savage, Dr. Laura, NPR, Love Line, and Coast to Coast Am are the best)
I love photography, art, music, religion, quotes, history, literature, sight seeing, animals (especially my fat dog) -I just love life, and I don't feel like my lack of one night stands, or kegger's has kept me from enjoying it one bit.

What's more, I don't even see myself as having a "typical" future.
I don't want to get married and have 3.5 kids and a house with a picket fence in middle America, suburbia.
I also don't want to be a tattoo clad, vegetarian, chain smoking, lesbian, atheist, hippie. And yes, there is something wrong with that.
I want to be a pro-life feminist. I want to travel the world and take pictures. I want to adopt a little 10 year old kid,(I know I can't change diapers or stand babies.)sometime in my life- somewhere down the line....WAY down the line, definitely not in my twenties or even thirties for that matter.
I plan to reserve those years to traveling, taking pictures, working hard, doing yoga, playing with my dog, learning to play piano better, learning to dance flamenco and most importantly loving my family, and who knows- maybe if times allows, having a fling here and there.
I want to die and be unknown, I want to fade away like a fallen star. Only those who saw it will remember it and care.
When I die, I every single organ to be donated- from my skin to my brain.
and the rest can be burned and thrown anywhere overlooking the ocean, hopefully during a sunset. That'll be my funeral.
I don't have any particular glamorous view of life. I don't expect to be rich, and I don't want to live in poverty. I just want to be happy. Then I want my family to be happy. Then I want to make my community better.
And I know these are not things that can simply be done and that they take a long time to achieve, but that's what life is for, and thats what I'm here for.

Almost gone

Yes we're but 5 full days from our great escape.
We got our tunes in check (everything from The Eagles, to Eminem)
and our camera's ready (can you say 1 gig memory cards? they're by Kingston, great stuff.)
We plan on taking high way 89 (dosen't everyone) on our way and hence passing by glen canyon, glen canyon damn, and even the Las Vegas Strip.
This trip is going to be awsome.

A complicated poem

that you shouldn't read.
(parts of this will not make sense. they didn't to me.)

So the time bomb ticks over our heads
A heart throbbing, choking back emotion, as time sleeps
and we move silently through this landscape
transcending motion, surpassing logic
and entering the realm of the unknown
the realm of beauty, love, and freedom.
This way we die
and become new again.
aging endlessly
blooming eternally
silently weeping
bursting in tumbling laughter
impatiently seeking the answers
to define
the one within.


we are impatient
our expectations are the time bomb yet to happen yet we are impatiently anticipating so it ticks
the heart throbbing, and the chocking back emotion, goes along with the saying heart in my throat, wherein someone is particularly emotional, Again emphasizing the value and emotion we place on our futures and expectation
yet again, we are impatient and we feel as is time sleeps, it cannot go fast enough
but I observe the landscape we cross to get to where we want to go
It transcends motion, because it is not an action motion which will get us there but a series of processes and action which become one motion, therefore transcending the over simplified notion of motion, which is often viewed as one swift movement.
surpassing logic, because one would think that one step would lead to another and so on, but high school is quite different, a lot of detours, which may or may not be directly related to your destiny are in place and must be taken so in a tongue in cheek manner, this surpasses logic and in a more metaphorical may, there is no logical way to plan out life, one can plan but there is no guarantee things will turn out in this way.
and entering the realm of the unknown
through this we realize we are not yet ready for the future for we are strangers in these unknown realms,
of beauty, love and freedom.
The beauty of life, knowledge, the love of family, for another, friends, knowledge and again life, the freedom and the responsibility that come with it ect. unknown realms to a teen encountering them on their own for the first time.
this way we die
That is to say, that these are test that can either make or break you, test which define you and which ever way you choose is more than likely the way you will choose till the day you die
and become new again
so in these ways we also learn news things perhaps not right away but sometimes we become new in learning these things
againg endlessly
that is to say learning endlessly, growing, blooming, endlessly throughout life. these thing will allow us to grow.
silently weeping
silently and with strength over comming and dealing with our struggles along the way
bursting in tumbling laughter
I wanted to use the word bursting because it seemed a little forcefully yet a little more "felt" than just laughing
because even though one may be sad or in this case silently weeping which may also indicate sadness on the inside and a smile on the outside type of archetypal image, one also has to laugh even though it may be forceful, but laugh none the less to enjoy life.
impatiently seeking the answers
so through this whole process what we are really doing is not merely reaching our destiny it's also asking, and answering question to find out who we are and as a result define
the one within
not the daughter, not the student, not the mother etc.
but the INDIVIDUAL. the WOMAN the MAN the HUMAN inside of all of us, what are our values, what are our ideals, what are our dreams? That is who we are, and again, this process is one to find the answer to these and embrace and protect these.

A dirty little secrete about solar energy

So I'm doing a school project on presidential candidates and their views on environmental issues.

"Actually the dirty little secret about solar power is that it takes MORE energy to manufacture a solar panel than the panel will produce. THATS why subsidies are "needed." With average efficiencies in the 14% range, the panels simply cannot reach the energy break even point that will make them suitable for replacement of fossil fuels.
BTW - I live on a boat and actually USE solar panels to keep my batteries charged. (I just couldn't find an extension cord long enough to let me plug into the grid.)
Solar energy IS NOT competitive with fossil fuels - yet. When they reach the 25 to 30% efficiency range, that might change, but we're not there yet."
-willers32

DENMARK IS NOT THE HAPPIEST PLACE IN THE WORLD

Did anyone else catch that politically charged little segment on Denmark, in 20/20 report on "Happiness" (Whatever that is... *b-because it's relative? g-get it? get- aww nevermind.*) the other night?
Well turns out Denmark, besides having plenty of buzz words "FREE HEALTH CARE!!!" "DEMOCRATIC LIBERAL GOVERNMENT!!" etc.
also has some of the world's highest tax rates and some of the highest rates of SUICIDE among teens, (as well as in the world on a per country basis coming in third after Lithuania and Belarus. ) But hey don't take it from me, listen to a man who's been living there for 20 years, and according to him, things ain't so grand.
"In the name of heavens and earth
GOD
It is the biggest lie to say Denmark is happiest country, what are you after by such a big lie?
________________________________________
This is my opinion to "Denmark named happiest place, but where is U.S.". CNN's link Denmark... BBC's link Denmark 'happiest place on earth'
Maybe English people do not know anything about happiness themselves, and it is why they call Denmark happiest country. (However, I cannot say so about English people because I know it is wrong to say.) So, what are you after by such big lie and calling Denmark happiest country?
I have lived here in Denmark in last 20 years and I saw no real happiness in Denmark. Up to 5 or 10 years ago Denmark was of those countries whom had highest rate of teenage suicides in world. About 450.000 people are officially registered as patients whom are being beside mental sickness out of 5 million population or in other words from every 10 Danish one is beside psychic problems, What a happy people! Happiness for many Danish people is either taking "happy tablet, cypramid and so", getting laid or getting drank. Most of old people complain why their children does not visit them more than once a year. And in that once a year which is Christmas, their happiness is no more than over eating and drinking and call it happy time. Have you ever seen children whom had happy childhood. Such happy childhood people never cut their contact with their parents simply because their miss their parents in their heart. Because seeing their parents make them happy. So if Danish people had not happy time at their parents or with their children what have you found in Denmark to name it happiest country.
Is it Danish social welfare that has got you to come with such big lies about happiness of Denmark? Is it because you like to have same welfare system in USA and because of that you come with such lies? Have you ever thought maybe these people are so cold hearted that without a good state health security things will be much uglier than any other country. Don't you think instead of making lies about happiness of Denmark you could write about real need of your society for better health care. Do you know some Danish people call their welfare salary "shut up money". And about their health care, "They say we keep with public hospitals as long as we are healthy enough to over come its damage."
Individual freedom in Denmark is as low as people's stress and feelings of insecurity of remaining out of social groups is very visible in some. In other words people do not dare live on their own in this fucking country because they get abused without others support. They must have some to support them where they live, where they work or where they study. And surly abuser groups have fun on expense of others, it is why people fear of remaining out of groups. Maybe the English guy have become found of Danish abusers fun to write such a lie about Denmark being happiest country. Does problem solve by joining groups, no. Abuse is right of the group but they become little more genteel in their abuse. What group demand of its members? Group demand of its members to cooperate in jump on whomever is against group abuse, innocent or not is not the question. The more cold blooded in destroying others earn himself a higher place in group.
Here in Denmark, people learn Persian to mop me. Nearly a nation of 5 million people learn a Persian to mop one person by their radio and TV. If it is not sick (maybe it is what you call happiness). Since when psycho sick people get known and named as happiest people that you name Denmark happiest country?
A normal happy human, a normal satisfy human does not like to see others in suffer. It is while here in Denmark Danish people forget their own problems, sadness's and not being satisfy, by finding me as their national victim. Like Gladiators of roman or Runner man movie of Arnold my torture has brought feeling of unity for Denmark. Have you ever hit any boxing bag to get yourself free of your anger? I am that boxing bag of mobbing for many Danish people here in Denmark. My question is, How come you call boxing bag needed people to get anger relive, happiest people of the world?
My torture has cost world about 500.000 death, many ten millions homeless, and some 100 billion $ in damage expense. (Surly it was not cheap for world entertaining Danish people and make them the happiest people.) Maybe killer beasts are the most happiest people, therefore this English guy named Denmark happiest country. GOD knows how many more million people must die to keep Denmark happy. If happy people are so killer beasts, it is a good news to hear people in rest of world are not so happy and by that are not so killer beasts either.
Once in Denmark Danish royal family has got mentioned as not important but harmless family. That time even there was talk about independency of Greenland and Ferrørne. But now, when a Danish prince marry a Asian girl, Denmark must become king of Japan and Asia. When they marry a Australian girl, Denmark must become king of Australia and when they marry a French girl, Denmark must become king of France. These shit has cost me night and days of torture and the world 500.000 death and millions of homeless. Maybe the harmless family of 80th was no more than building a false trust at me for later abuse. Maybe you betrayer English guy are as well to making the same false trust in world by hiding the beast in skin of happiest lam of world. And of course the easy conjurer kings become popular and their popularity bring unity and happiness in nation. If USA use billions of dollars in war and military to concur Iraq or Afghanistan, Danish prince just get girl and by that take over that country by become their king. Whom can be more clever than such kings, our kings! Is it this that has got you to name Denmark as happiest country.
Just in last week only 80 people died of heat here in your own Europe, and 80 in USA, how dare you call this fucking Denmark happiest country? These beasts are killer beasts, and you call them world happiest people, shame on people like you who show beasts as happiness angels and victims as ugly beasts.
Ta Seyed Mohammad Ali Mearaji
www.seyed.com
28 July 2006 "

Never Enough

For some people it's never enough.
The little bit they have isn't worth their gratitude.
For my mother, nothing is ever enough, nothing is ever good enough for her, nothing is achievable unless she says so and she never does.
She just graduated from beauty school today, her friends threw confetti and glitter and she even got a fancy diploma, but even so, even with the fake red smiles on the outside, she reserves her frowns and bitterness for us. And once she targets one of us she shoots.
Some times she misses sometimes she hit right on target. Today she got me and it hurt.
Like a ship sinking, I thought I had the situation in control till water started to get in and everyone's support for me, if they had any disappeared and I started to sink.
I was the bad guy now, and either they didn't look at me, or scowled at me.
All I said was that I was sad because I wouldn't get to walk in my graduation with the rest of my friends.
TO which my mom replied
"I don't care, don't even talk to you about your school, or how you feel about school. If you need to talk to someone about that then talk to your dad."

Well obviously it made me feel sad but for some reason, I was the bad guy. Somehow I'm not even sure how she twisted it around so that I was the one at fault.
When will I have enough? Enough of trying to make people who don't love me, at least like me?
I should stop, and just accept things. You can't change yourself to fit the world, you can only change the world to fit you.

Recomendation of the day

watch the midwest teen sex show
either on youtube
or here
at midwestteensexshow.com :)

Iran thinks we're afraid of them, LOL!

Because the U.S. didn't sink those Iranian speedboats, Iran now thinks the U.S. is afraid of them
Someone please assassinate Ahmadinejad (their crazy holocaust denying, Jew hating, fanatical president) before some serious Sh!t goes down....

listen to the man, he's right.

"Being 'RANDOM' isn't fucking funney! D:<"
-Milesaway13

Latest Polls

courtesy of the desmoinesregister.com
as of 9:34 pm January 3rd 2007
you know Hillary is in hot water as Edwards is right on her heels, and she supposively one of the main contenders, guess the people of Iowa don't think so.
Kucinich who? According to c-span this poor guy has a laughably pathetic 1% vote.
Ron Paul also triumphed in failing with only 9% of the vote

OBAMA WINS CAUCUS!!--> hopefully ^.^

YES LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
my favorite democratic candidate Borrack H. Obama is in the lead for the Iowa caucus for the democratic ticket. I knew it, I always knew it. God bless him.
Huckabee by the way, my favorite for the republican ticket, is also in the lead for the caucus for HIS party. Awesome I like both, but I want Obama to win the whole thing. Gotta love these candidates. :D