Friday, April 24, 2009

it's over - he's gone

After so much effort, and trust I was beginning to reestablish, he betrayed me again. perhaps worse than ever before. I gave him one last chance and he blew it. Blew it in such a way that i was completely unmoved by his tears as he begged me to stay with him.
I've been through this too many times. I'm to young and pretty to be with a guy like this. I left my family, sacrificed my school, and went through so many hardships with him. I thought that he had changed but because I had a guy feeling I always kept a close eye on him. In the end it didn't matter because it was my mom who found the e-mails.
My dad confronted the the two of us. He had no words to defend himself, and I had no desire to do so for him.
I knew he had done it again. Even after he had begged and cried, and made me promise I'd give him another chance. I did, and here we were again.
I took him outside and the first and only thing I had to say was said, "It's over."
Our conversation did not deviate from that theme. I wanted it to sink in that it really was over. completely.
In the end he said he would be leaving. I offered to take his suitcase to the car, and before he could answer I, along with my dad were placing his cloths and a blanket into the backseat of his already cluttered car.
We talked a little more, I explained to him that I had given him a chance and he had chosen to blow it. He said he was going to prove to me that he was a good man. I yawned.
In the end I parted ways without a hug or kiss. Without so much as a glance over my shoulder. Our game lasted a year and two months.
I felt anger more than anything at the fact that my family, and I, had trusted him so completely, and how he betrayed our trust and mocked me, our relationship and just took everything for granted.
Yet when my family and I sat at our dinning room table, later that night, I did not shed any tears. My mother commented on how strong I was being. But the truth is this moment has been months in the making, and I had been, if not emotionally, then at least mentally ready.
Later that night I changed my myspace and facebook profile status to single. I sent a few messages to Jesus, who can't seem to get away from me, he always seems to find a way to find me no matter how hard I try to get away from him. I figured that since now I'm single I should go ahead and see where things go.
I feel like laughing because just the other day Erick was in my office kissing and hugging me and when a few coworkers saw me I felt a little proud that we looked like such a good couple.
24 hours later, I'm single. But it's good that way guys at the office won't hit on me as much because they think I have aboyfriend. I need a break from guys

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

whoa-I'm back!

I've been gone awhile.
but yes i went away to cali the land of sand, surf and sun or should i say silicone book jobs, plastic noses and hair extensions. people are so real and down to earth over there.
Actually I staying in an area but was very much unlike the california you see on tv. I stayed in overcrowded little Santa Ana. Very hispanic, very urban but still- and i know some people will scoff- a nice place to live.
I liked my experience down there, with my fiance.
It feels almost surreal when i think back on it and i don't know what gave me the balls to do what i did- just up and leave to a different state with a boy I didn't really know very well but i did.
I'm glad I did. Despite the student loans i now need to take out in order to pay for tution, it was still an interesting experience.
Its definetly a whole different vibe down there. a lot of cholo's with their heads shaved and their pencils mustaches. A lot of beautiful just breathtaking classic cars, and women (I'm not gay but I am honest dam it!) a lot of fun in the sun at the beach and on all those sunny days when you can just take your guy out for a walk around the park; and it just feels like the whole world slows down, enough to make the innocent little afternoon walk feel like a little corner of heaven. A time to just chill, talk, laugh and then return to the grind.
Speaking of which I learned what it means to bust my ass working! at one point i had to get up at 3 am in order to arrive to work on time at 5am. Another time I commuted almost an hour and 30 minutes on bus in order to get to a job. I learned what it was like not to have a dime on you, what it was like to walk one mile in one direction and one mile in the other direction because you had no choice (or were lost, in my case both on two seperate occasions) but to be honest if i had to do it again i would.
I dont' regret anything I did and i'm happy I got to learn (even if it was the hard way) how to survive.
I'm back in town, working as is my nature, and poised to enroll back in school. And so the beat goes on.
I'm back.