U p and Comming Events!! &hearts

May 6th - Awards banquest U of U ballroom
May 10th- Lauren's Birthday
May 10th-11th-Mother's Day
May 13th- AP psychology exam
May 16th- show portfolio
May 21st- Senior/ Junior Banquet
May 26th- No School- All Day Date
June 2nd- Senior Lagoon Day 10 am to the rest of the night
June 3rd- Ames Check out
June 4th- Yearbook/BBQ
June 5th- Graduation at libby gardener Hall at 2:00 pm
June 6th- the first day of the rest of my life.

WTF? The college experience...

WTF is that?
I did a quick Google search of the college experience, and got back answers like, "The College Experience, A Blueprint for Success" to, "Does the college experience damage your brain?" and, "Alcohol and Your College Experience - Facts on Tap"
Lol
and in case you're wondering, I'm (unsurprisingly) going to community college in the fall. This'll be interesting won't it?
Maybe it's because I (and most, if not all of my friends,) actually know how to do laundry, cook, wash dishes, have held down a job or two (or a few) or because I have no interest in drinking, smoking, weed, sororities or frat parties that "The College Experience" just feels like a lame, overdone, Hollywood cliche to me.
Hell, a lot of the "should of's" in life have come and gone for me, and I still don't feel like I'm really missing out on anything.
My 15th birthday came and went, I had a small party, some called it a quince, (it really wasn't,) Nothing fancy really, just lame 70's music to entertain my parents, a nice cake, and a table for some of my friends- and a lot of other people's kids, that I wasn't really familiar with. Only one of the kids that I invited from school showed up. (and I invited tons of people.) But a lot of people I knew outside of school showed up. My friends and I had a great time, mostly talking and laughing. Sure, I kicked out this boy that was pissing me off, and I later ended up apologizing for it, but that was the first and last big moment of "drama" over any boy I can remember.
After that my sixteenth birthday came and went with absolutely no party, not even a present because my family and I were tight for money. A week later I got a small birthday cake from the grocery store, my family and I sang happy birthday, smiled for the camera a couple times, hugged, then ate cake. It was great. :D
Even though, like I said my family had been going through some financial troubles, I still felt like I was having some of the best times ever. I had recently got my dog Pancho (as a puppy back then.) I had recently gotten ribbons for participation and an honorable mention at my school's first science fair, and then an invitation to the Utah State Science fair, where I also won many awards and an honorable mention as well. Earlier that year I had won a blue ribbon in debate and my volunteer club was going great.
Though sure I was sad when I found out we were leaving for az and felt a little out of place during my jr year at a different high school I coped, got good grades and went on to this year, where I have "coasting grades." (c's which is why I didn't get accepted into the University of Utah.- but hey, I got into community college!)
Now I'm 18 never had a bf, never been kissed, never been to a crazy party, don't have a car and I don't feel like I've missed out on anything really.
I've traveled all up and down the west coast, from Yellowstone to Yosemite, and met lots of cool people. I love going to the movies (I've seen American Gangster like 3 times!) and I love going to Barns and Nobel's and reading weird books about secrete societies and listening to talk radio (Michael Savage, Dr. Laura, NPR, Love Line, and Coast to Coast Am are the best)
I love photography, art, music, religion, quotes, history, literature, sight seeing, animals (especially my fat dog) -I just love life, and I don't feel like my lack of one night stands, or kegger's has kept me from enjoying it one bit.

What's more, I don't even see myself as having a "typical" future.
I don't want to get married and have 3.5 kids and a house with a picket fence in middle America, suburbia.
I also don't want to be a tattoo clad, vegetarian, chain smoking, lesbian, atheist, hippie. And yes, there is something wrong with that.
I want to be a pro-life feminist. I want to travel the world and take pictures. I want to adopt a little 10 year old kid,(I know I can't change diapers or stand babies.)sometime in my life- somewhere down the line....WAY down the line, definitely not in my twenties or even thirties for that matter.
I plan to reserve those years to traveling, taking pictures, working hard, doing yoga, playing with my dog, learning to play piano better, learning to dance flamenco and most importantly loving my family, and who knows- maybe if times allows, having a fling here and there.
I want to die and be unknown, I want to fade away like a fallen star. Only those who saw it will remember it and care.
When I die, I every single organ to be donated- from my skin to my brain.
and the rest can be burned and thrown anywhere overlooking the ocean, hopefully during a sunset. That'll be my funeral.
I don't have any particular glamorous view of life. I don't expect to be rich, and I don't want to live in poverty. I just want to be happy. Then I want my family to be happy. Then I want to make my community better.
And I know these are not things that can simply be done and that they take a long time to achieve, but that's what life is for, and thats what I'm here for.

Holiday Cheer

Though I'm broke holiday cheer does not elude me.
I've downloaded tons of holidays songs and completed a holiday play list complete with Nat King Cole, and Elvis among others.
Our beautiful Christmas tree is completely decorated and up. We went for white, artificial, and pre-lighted (?) all we had to do was put up the tinsel, and ornaments. It looks perfect.
Everyone is getting into the holiday spirit, even our neighbors who decked out their VW into a deer-mobile in spirit of holidays.

Very nice.
I've also finished making Christmas cards for each of my teachers. Microsoft publisher is a lifesaver!
Now I'm just stumped as to what to get my family. with exactly 2 dollars left in my debit card, and maybe another dollar or two in change, I don't really have any spending money for them. So It'll either be dollar store gifts this year, or handmade ones. The lesser of two evils.
Here's wishing you a merry Christmas and happy holidays!
P.S. Wish me luck on my finals coming up next week, all week! *shivers*
It shouldn't be so bad though, I just gotta buckle down and study. Those two hours of study halls proved to be real life savers!

the diagnosis...

I had multiple swollen lymph nodes, plus I was feeling pretty tiered all the time, so I visited the docotor who sent me to get some bloodwork done.
I later recieved a call saying I tested positive in my bloodwork.
I was confused, positive? On what? before I could ask the receptionist continued, "You need to come down here as soon as possible,"
"um-okay, do you guys have anything open between 4 and 5 tomorrow?"
"No, you need to get down here, like- right, now." she replied with a town of annoyed urgency.
I felt a little worried and asked her exactly what had shown up positive on my blood test; I did not hear the answer, as my mom yanked the phone out of my hands when she heard me say this.
He brow looked furrowed, as she listned intently. Annoyed, I went up stairs to my room, but no sooner had I shut the door behind me when my mother bellowed from downstairs, "INDIRA?!"
Startled I opened the door and stuck my head out, and before I could even reply she hurridly spoke once more, "Put on your shoes, and lets go- we have to go down to the clinic."
Feeling a mixture of annoyance, alarm and fatigue I stuffed my feet into a pair of nearby sneakers and hurriedly shuffled downstairs. "Mom," I began, "What was positive on the-"
She zoomed by talking a mile a minute on her cell phone, already halfway out the door, and turning to whith an impatient expression, urging me to shuffle just a little bit faster.
Inside the car, "I dunno, they just called us up and told us to come down here...yeah. Okay see you then."
At last she hung up her phone. He dark skin glistned with sweat, and her expression seemed determined. Before long I broke the silence, "Who was that?"
"Your dad."
more silence.
"And the blood results?" A little too casualy.
"Don't worry, it's nothing seriouse."
Irrited I gave up and resumed listening to my ipod...extra loud.
Awhile later we pulled into the nice, little, middle class, Palo Verde family clinic owned by Dr. Chang at Chandler Gateway Medical Center. It's a nice little clinic, it's waiting room not much bigger than your sitting room, or a small living room. about 6 chairs take up two plain white walls which face a short hallway to the bathrooms. It's air conditioned, and oxymoronly enough also has a fireplace, which is, of course, minus the fire. Stacks of magazines I neatly pilled on a wooden shelf built into the fire place and relaxing, if not boring, new wave/acid jazz plays from overhead speakers. In the waiting room there are no bothersome, ever humming, florecent light, instead the blinds are drawn and, as trees outside the window sheild the harsh Arizona sunshine, meek stream of sunshine make their way into the room. It dosen't smell like old people, or medicine and strangley enough, apart from my mother and I, the waiting room was empty; The ambience of the waiting room is unlike a clinic in many ways. After a 15 minute wait, a young hispanic nurse with her nose peirced, opened the door, and breifly looked down at her clipboard reading aloud, "Indera?" She looked around as if there were many more people in the waiting room, even though only my mother and I sat in a nearby corner.
"Here," My mother motioned, and stood up gathering her purse and a few papers.
I followed them both into the actual clinic, where I was led to a scale. I knew the drill and not bothering to remove my shoes, I bravely stepped on the scale.
"161 pounds," the nurse muttered jotting it down on her clipboard, "This way."
We followed her through a series of hallways, which remined me of a maze. My mother and I were mice, the nurse was the cheese. Hurriedly waking without looking up from her clipboard she let us to a small and plain room.
On one wall a gray bed with what looked like gray wax paper spread across the top. Nearby an innocent, small, gray, foot stool and directly across it, and the bed, a grey counter and sink. I believe the theme was gray.
The doctor will be right with you." Quick smile, and nose peircing glinting the nurse disappeared behind the door.
Hummmmmmm
I looked up the florecent lights...
Hmmmmmmmmmm
"Mom?" I looked over at her on the gray little stool. She looked commical; Here sat a very overweight woman, on a tiny gray stool, her eyes closed, appearantly asleep. My mom is prone to falling asleep in quiet places in which she can rest. A few minutes is all it takes, and sometimes she'll even snore.
"hm?"
"Do you want to listen to some music?" My thumb was already poised on the song I wanted to play, in the "c" section, Clair de lune.
"No." her eyes remained closed.
Surprised, but not betraying any signs of it I persisted, "Are you sure? It's a song you love."
Her eyes opened into little slits to revel tired bloodshot eyes, annoyed she finaly agreed.
I sat to her left so I gave her the left earbud, and selected the song. Quiet piano music filled my right ear.
Song after song, we listened to, mostly along the same vein; Quiet, peaceful, spanish, english.
There was a quick rap at the door, my mother jumped a little, as the door immidiately opened revealing Dr. Jahver's bright smiling face.
When asked why we stopped by the clinic, I explained how I got a phone call that one of my blood test's came back positive, (glancing at my mother quickly) for what I did not know.
"Valley fever." My mother interjected in her broken english. She looked a little more awake, however just as tired.
Dr. Jahiver whent on to explain the disease, or fungus rather, and the medication she would be perscribing. A dose of 200ml was strong, she said, but it would only be for the next six month.
So I guess I have a disease now...I won't die from it, but I guess I'm sick. How strange...

Promises

So I'm looking up school notes and I see that this coming week our journal entry has to be about promises. At first I felt an irresistible smirk come on, promises. pfft.
I don't make promises. I don't need to, either you do what you're told, or you don't. The end, you shouldn't go around compromising yourself if you don't even know what could end up really happening.
So I began to write...
"In my family we don't make promises anymore, we just do it, and either we do what we are told, and we do it well, or we don't do it at all....."

then a though occurred to me.

"One person in my family, however, did make a life changing promise. When my grandma took in my mom and promised to take care of her till she was old enough to look after herself, she did not foresee taking care of her niece through a war which broke out in El Salvador during the early to late 80's..."

and then it all just came, like thought vomit, only it wasn't vomit, it was actually...meaningful...

"She did not foresee taking care of her through murder and crime, through safe houses in Nicaragua, and through a racist, and xenophobic Costa Rica. But she did, she took her safely out of the war by illegally leaving El Salvador, and settling down in Costa Rica. She watched over her through elementary school, through high school, through hardships of poverty, and news of war back home, till my mom walked her college graduation ceremony; diploma in hand. My grandma decided at this point my mom could look after herself and gave my parents her blessing. Her promise was complete. Because of the war the only living relative on my mom's side of the family is our grandma, and to my mom, her aunt. I feel as if my grandma struggled to survive the war in order to keep her promise to her sister."

It's weird to discover a treasure you had inside of you all along.
It's like the saying that saying, "In this world your either somebody, or a nobody"
The part that always gets omitted is the one that give this saying meaning,-
"and the only one that makes that decision is you."
Who are you?
I'm Indira Gutierrez, I'm a somebody.

First and last

First day of school came and when.
It's my last year of high school
and I'm anticipating the future.
Everything I wore on the first day was new right down to my undies. But truthfully the new things wont get many any Friends, the most they'll do is make me feel a little more confident because I feel good about my stuff, look good, and may therefore make me feel more positive. But really it's an attitude thing. I could walk into school with rags on, which admittedly would make me feel a little more self conscious, but that should not interfere with my enthusiasm for learning.
And that concept is what's really motivating me to get through this final year of high school.
I have all my credits in order. In order for me to graduate I only have to take a semester of English, and a year of social studies, but I have not only met those two but I am also taking, A.P. Ecology, Stock Market Economics, Pre-Calculus, IV SR Comp (soon to be Honors English) and A.P. Psychology.
graduating with 23.50 credits instead of 21.00. Nice. Not to mention two of those credits also count as college credit as well, that is assuming I pass test, and yes, of course I will.
I'm aiming for valedictorian this year, trying not to miss a sing day of class in order to be eligible for a drawing at the end of the year, and aiming to pass all my classes.

My game plan
homework done before due date
review everyday to stay fresh
sleep earlier to get more sleep and have more energy to go to school
no work to focus souly on school
be optimistic
be curious
and be clever!

my recipe for change

"Solace"

all photos by Marco Gutierrez- Madeline Cathedral in Salt Lake City Utah

my recipe for change
One drive by murder
One fatal car accident
two funerals
one of a child
a hint of a job offer
one house fire
one new puppy dog
and our lives changed forever.
All in one year 2005. by the end of that year, I had cried so much I had scabs on my eye lids that have since healed, by June 2006 we had arrive in a strange new land, of chandler AZ. I currently attend high school (not saying where!) at this point in my life I had accomplished so much by now I didn't know how I could top myself, though I knew I could.
I had won honorable mentions at the local and state science fair in Utah
At that very same state science fair I also won Jane Goodall's Roots and Shoots environmental award, and The American Society for Civil Engineers or the ASCE Science Award and later that year at the Ame's Awards Banquet I won the Ames: Academy for Math Engineering and Science, Science Advancement Program Award.
I had also won a blue ribbon at my very first debate tournament and had also founded, organized, and coordinated my own volunteer club. I had volunteer through my own club for the Utah aids foundation, the Utah children's center, and for the muscular dystrophy associations Christmas luncheon. Since then in AZ I have volunteered for the Annual Scottsdale Arts festival, the American Cancer Society's relay for life, home based youth in rise and dine, and Save the Family scrap booking, and birthday card projects. I have also applied for the discover card scholarship and became a semi-finalist. Though I did not win anything I was still proud of that one.
Even through all these great experiences what I miss most of Utah is everything! I miss my best friend Sasha, going to Fairmont Park, walking to Barns and Nobel, or the dollar movies afterward. buying pixie sticks at party America just up the parking lot. Life was so much fun. Even at the new house, we could walk our dog to Roosevelt elementary playground and let the little butterball of a puppy dog run around without a leash for awhile. He was only as big as a soccer ball, at that, but he could run so fast!
I'll miss the mountains, so beautiful in snow, rain or shine. breathtaking sunsets, those beautiful truly, white Christmas's where the Christmas lights make the snow glow, where you really could catch the snowflake on your tongue, and eyebrows, and eye lashes...
the beautiful evergreens. Those toasty summers where kids would have water balloon fights, crowd the pool, or jump into nearest river at fox point. I'll miss Ame's, I'll miss all my neighborhoods but most of all I'll miss the people, I'll miss everything and absolutely everyone.
I guess this is an unofficial, official goodbye to all that, but not for good.