Car accident's, fell out of love, fell in love with someone else, got fired, got hired, moved states, started college twice (but haven't finished once), new car, new home, new life, cleared up one debt, racked on another....life's crazy- I love it.
Monday, October 12, 2009
I feel like a lifetime has gone by since these pictures were taken. I'm certainly a different person internally though I look almost exactly the same externally. And not much time has passed since these photos were taken either- yet so much as occurred.
Car accident's, fell out of love, fell in love with someone else, got fired, got hired, moved states, started college twice (but haven't finished once), new car, new home, new life, cleared up one debt, racked on another....life's crazy- I love it.
Car accident's, fell out of love, fell in love with someone else, got fired, got hired, moved states, started college twice (but haven't finished once), new car, new home, new life, cleared up one debt, racked on another....life's crazy- I love it.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Where's the exit?
So I’m starting school on Wednesday and I’m pretty excited but also worried about how I’m going to pay for my tuition come November 9th
I know I qualify for financial aid but I can’t get my parents information because they’re so busy, and by the time they fill it out, I’m pretty sure there’s not going to be any financial help for me left. Which leaves me to my own devices- which consist of loans, which I will have to pay back sooner of later.
I have no idea what I’m going to do. I’m so worried and I feel like I’m about to break down in tears because I really want to go to school and I have no money.
And I’ve heard it said that lack of money is not a reason, not to go to school, but the what do I do when my tuition debt comes in the mail and I’m 3,000+ in debt. Not to mention my other debt with Weber State. I haven’t even bought the $200 worth of books I still have left to buy for this semester.
I also have to pay the city of west valley and the city of Murray a combined $300 for various traffic tickets and I don’t even have my license. Speaking of not having my license I still have one observational class and one driving class left before I can even make an appointment to come in and do the driving test at the DMV or with my dad and that’ll be about another $30-$40 which I don’t have.
Speaking of $300 I owe express about that much money. Bringing my debt to just under $9000 at 19 years of age. I’m worth -$9,000.
I just hope that I can hold on tight for this wild ride and make it through on the other side in one piece.
I know I qualify for financial aid but I can’t get my parents information because they’re so busy, and by the time they fill it out, I’m pretty sure there’s not going to be any financial help for me left. Which leaves me to my own devices- which consist of loans, which I will have to pay back sooner of later.
I have no idea what I’m going to do. I’m so worried and I feel like I’m about to break down in tears because I really want to go to school and I have no money.
And I’ve heard it said that lack of money is not a reason, not to go to school, but the what do I do when my tuition debt comes in the mail and I’m 3,000+ in debt. Not to mention my other debt with Weber State. I haven’t even bought the $200 worth of books I still have left to buy for this semester.
I also have to pay the city of west valley and the city of Murray a combined $300 for various traffic tickets and I don’t even have my license. Speaking of not having my license I still have one observational class and one driving class left before I can even make an appointment to come in and do the driving test at the DMV or with my dad and that’ll be about another $30-$40 which I don’t have.
Speaking of $300 I owe express about that much money. Bringing my debt to just under $9000 at 19 years of age. I’m worth -$9,000.
I just hope that I can hold on tight for this wild ride and make it through on the other side in one piece.
Friday, April 24, 2009
it's over - he's gone
After so much effort, and trust I was beginning to reestablish, he betrayed me again. perhaps worse than ever before. I gave him one last chance and he blew it. Blew it in such a way that i was completely unmoved by his tears as he begged me to stay with him.
I've been through this too many times. I'm to young and pretty to be with a guy like this. I left my family, sacrificed my school, and went through so many hardships with him. I thought that he had changed but because I had a guy feeling I always kept a close eye on him. In the end it didn't matter because it was my mom who found the e-mails.
My dad confronted the the two of us. He had no words to defend himself, and I had no desire to do so for him.
I knew he had done it again. Even after he had begged and cried, and made me promise I'd give him another chance. I did, and here we were again.
I took him outside and the first and only thing I had to say was said, "It's over."
Our conversation did not deviate from that theme. I wanted it to sink in that it really was over. completely.
In the end he said he would be leaving. I offered to take his suitcase to the car, and before he could answer I, along with my dad were placing his cloths and a blanket into the backseat of his already cluttered car.
We talked a little more, I explained to him that I had given him a chance and he had chosen to blow it. He said he was going to prove to me that he was a good man. I yawned.
In the end I parted ways without a hug or kiss. Without so much as a glance over my shoulder. Our game lasted a year and two months.
I felt anger more than anything at the fact that my family, and I, had trusted him so completely, and how he betrayed our trust and mocked me, our relationship and just took everything for granted.
Yet when my family and I sat at our dinning room table, later that night, I did not shed any tears. My mother commented on how strong I was being. But the truth is this moment has been months in the making, and I had been, if not emotionally, then at least mentally ready.
Later that night I changed my myspace and facebook profile status to single. I sent a few messages to Jesus, who can't seem to get away from me, he always seems to find a way to find me no matter how hard I try to get away from him. I figured that since now I'm single I should go ahead and see where things go.
I feel like laughing because just the other day Erick was in my office kissing and hugging me and when a few coworkers saw me I felt a little proud that we looked like such a good couple.
24 hours later, I'm single. But it's good that way guys at the office won't hit on me as much because they think I have aboyfriend. I need a break from guys
I've been through this too many times. I'm to young and pretty to be with a guy like this. I left my family, sacrificed my school, and went through so many hardships with him. I thought that he had changed but because I had a guy feeling I always kept a close eye on him. In the end it didn't matter because it was my mom who found the e-mails.
My dad confronted the the two of us. He had no words to defend himself, and I had no desire to do so for him.
I knew he had done it again. Even after he had begged and cried, and made me promise I'd give him another chance. I did, and here we were again.
I took him outside and the first and only thing I had to say was said, "It's over."
Our conversation did not deviate from that theme. I wanted it to sink in that it really was over. completely.
In the end he said he would be leaving. I offered to take his suitcase to the car, and before he could answer I, along with my dad were placing his cloths and a blanket into the backseat of his already cluttered car.
We talked a little more, I explained to him that I had given him a chance and he had chosen to blow it. He said he was going to prove to me that he was a good man. I yawned.
In the end I parted ways without a hug or kiss. Without so much as a glance over my shoulder. Our game lasted a year and two months.
I felt anger more than anything at the fact that my family, and I, had trusted him so completely, and how he betrayed our trust and mocked me, our relationship and just took everything for granted.
Yet when my family and I sat at our dinning room table, later that night, I did not shed any tears. My mother commented on how strong I was being. But the truth is this moment has been months in the making, and I had been, if not emotionally, then at least mentally ready.
Later that night I changed my myspace and facebook profile status to single. I sent a few messages to Jesus, who can't seem to get away from me, he always seems to find a way to find me no matter how hard I try to get away from him. I figured that since now I'm single I should go ahead and see where things go.
I feel like laughing because just the other day Erick was in my office kissing and hugging me and when a few coworkers saw me I felt a little proud that we looked like such a good couple.
24 hours later, I'm single. But it's good that way guys at the office won't hit on me as much because they think I have aboyfriend. I need a break from guys
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
whoa-I'm back!
I've been gone awhile.
lol-understatements....
but yes i went away to cali the land of sand, surf and sun or should i say silicone book jobs, plastic noses and hair extensions. people are so real and down to earth over there.
Actually I staying in an area but was very much unlike the california you see on tv. I stayed in overcrowded little Santa Ana. Very hispanic, very urban but still- and i know some people will scoff- a nice place to live.
I liked my experience down there, with my fiance.
It feels almost surreal when i think back on it and i don't know what gave me the balls to do what i did- just up and leave to a different state with a boy I didn't really know very well but i did.
I'm glad I did. Despite the student loans i now need to take out in order to pay for tution, it was still an interesting experience.
Its definetly a whole different vibe down there. a lot of cholo's with their heads shaved and their pencils mustaches. A lot of beautiful just breathtaking classic cars, and women (I'm not gay but I am honest dam it!) a lot of fun in the sun at the beach and on all those sunny days when you can just take your guy out for a walk around the park; and it just feels like the whole world slows down, enough to make the innocent little afternoon walk feel like a little corner of heaven. A time to just chill, talk, laugh and then return to the grind.
Speaking of which I learned what it means to bust my ass working! at one point i had to get up at 3 am in order to arrive to work on time at 5am. Another time I commuted almost an hour and 30 minutes on bus in order to get to a job. I learned what it was like not to have a dime on you, what it was like to walk one mile in one direction and one mile in the other direction because you had no choice (or were lost, in my case both on two seperate occasions) but to be honest if i had to do it again i would.
I dont' regret anything I did and i'm happy I got to learn (even if it was the hard way) how to survive.
I'm back in town, working as is my nature, and poised to enroll back in school. And so the beat goes on.
I'm back.
lol-understatements....
but yes i went away to cali the land of sand, surf and sun or should i say silicone book jobs, plastic noses and hair extensions. people are so real and down to earth over there.
Actually I staying in an area but was very much unlike the california you see on tv. I stayed in overcrowded little Santa Ana. Very hispanic, very urban but still- and i know some people will scoff- a nice place to live.
I liked my experience down there, with my fiance.
It feels almost surreal when i think back on it and i don't know what gave me the balls to do what i did- just up and leave to a different state with a boy I didn't really know very well but i did.
I'm glad I did. Despite the student loans i now need to take out in order to pay for tution, it was still an interesting experience.
Its definetly a whole different vibe down there. a lot of cholo's with their heads shaved and their pencils mustaches. A lot of beautiful just breathtaking classic cars, and women (I'm not gay but I am honest dam it!) a lot of fun in the sun at the beach and on all those sunny days when you can just take your guy out for a walk around the park; and it just feels like the whole world slows down, enough to make the innocent little afternoon walk feel like a little corner of heaven. A time to just chill, talk, laugh and then return to the grind.
Speaking of which I learned what it means to bust my ass working! at one point i had to get up at 3 am in order to arrive to work on time at 5am. Another time I commuted almost an hour and 30 minutes on bus in order to get to a job. I learned what it was like not to have a dime on you, what it was like to walk one mile in one direction and one mile in the other direction because you had no choice (or were lost, in my case both on two seperate occasions) but to be honest if i had to do it again i would.
I dont' regret anything I did and i'm happy I got to learn (even if it was the hard way) how to survive.
I'm back in town, working as is my nature, and poised to enroll back in school. And so the beat goes on.
I'm back.
Friday, May 16, 2008
writting a check
and checking it twice
I did it with erick and he came inside of me.
I'm worried that I might become pregnant so I'm buying the day after pill which is effective up to 72 hours. It's already been 24 and by tomorrow it will have been 48.
I'm going to take a check from my dad's check book and I'm going down to the wal-mart and buying the pill...again. I feel so bad, I wish it didn't have to get to this point but I can't have a baby, I just can't let that happen to me.
I was so stupid for not using protection, even though it was his idea, I should have had enough self control to say no, but I was just as much as willing participant.
This is so eerie blogging about this with my dad litteraly less than a foot from the lap top. In fact if he were to turn his head and bother to read what's on the screen he would find out my terrible secret.
I'm scared. I hope I can pull it off, and most of all I hope God has mercy in me and does not let me become pregnant.
I did it with erick and he came inside of me.
I'm worried that I might become pregnant so I'm buying the day after pill which is effective up to 72 hours. It's already been 24 and by tomorrow it will have been 48.
I'm going to take a check from my dad's check book and I'm going down to the wal-mart and buying the pill...again. I feel so bad, I wish it didn't have to get to this point but I can't have a baby, I just can't let that happen to me.
I was so stupid for not using protection, even though it was his idea, I should have had enough self control to say no, but I was just as much as willing participant.
This is so eerie blogging about this with my dad litteraly less than a foot from the lap top. In fact if he were to turn his head and bother to read what's on the screen he would find out my terrible secret.
I'm scared. I hope I can pull it off, and most of all I hope God has mercy in me and does not let me become pregnant.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
A description of a stranger
he has soft hands
perhaps because he has always found himself in a position of power
His eyes, the colors of wood and honey, stare deeply into mine, searching for an aswer to the secretes in my own dark eyes
His voice is subtle and dark, low murmors meant only for me.
His breath is warm and seductive on my neck and in my ears.
His smile is slow and almost indecipherable and unseen if not caught quickly, he does this when I kiss him.
perhaps because he has always found himself in a position of power
His eyes, the colors of wood and honey, stare deeply into mine, searching for an aswer to the secretes in my own dark eyes
His voice is subtle and dark, low murmors meant only for me.
His breath is warm and seductive on my neck and in my ears.
His smile is slow and almost indecipherable and unseen if not caught quickly, he does this when I kiss him.
School is coming to an end and so is my high school "career" as I've so often heard it referred to. I don't believe it is much of a career, nor much of anything but a compilation of years wherein I made Friends, lost others, learned some stuff, forgot others, moved away, came back, fell in love, fell out of love, was rejected and pursued, passed, failed, shined, sucked, had fun, cried for hours, laughed for hours, yelled for hours, debated for hours, road my bike around, walked my dog, hung out with friends, went to concerts and parties, went trick or treating, had bbq's and road trips, went to the pool, kissed a boy, was kissed back, held hands, watched fireworks, watched funny, scary, angering, and inspiring movies, read great books, and some not so good. Listened to good and bad music, danced to the good music, went to dances for the matter, both in and out of school. Sometimes when to church, stayed up A LOT went to work, A LOT spend A LOT of money, save a Lil bit. Got a dog, won a few awards here and there, participated in the science fair, was a radio DJ, was president, volunteered, was suicidal, had a new lease on life, love myself, and my family, stayed true to who I was, did do drugs, or gone binge drinking (but I'm not a virgin anymore, meh, 2 out of 3- I still pass with an B ) and all in all I have no regrets.
All this and so much more I'm totally forgetting (like sleep overs, haunted houses, girls night out, wandering about alone, flirting with cute guys, slumber parties, making breakfast for friends, lies, truths, games of Uno with my grandma, beautiful summer nights, and morning, beautiful snowy Utah streets, perfect Christmases with my family and lonely valentines, as well as laughing till you pee, crying till your hand tingle, yelling till your hoarse, life, death, funerals, birthdays, baby showers, and life goes on...)
I CAN'T WAIT TIL TOMORROW.
All this and so much more I'm totally forgetting (like sleep overs, haunted houses, girls night out, wandering about alone, flirting with cute guys, slumber parties, making breakfast for friends, lies, truths, games of Uno with my grandma, beautiful summer nights, and morning, beautiful snowy Utah streets, perfect Christmases with my family and lonely valentines, as well as laughing till you pee, crying till your hand tingle, yelling till your hoarse, life, death, funerals, birthdays, baby showers, and life goes on...)
I CAN'T WAIT TIL TOMORROW.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
U p and Comming Events!! &hearts
May 6th - Awards banquest U of U ballroom
May 10th- Lauren's Birthday
May 10th-11th-Mother's Day
May 13th- AP psychology exam
May 16th- show portfolio
May 21st- Senior/ Junior Banquet
May 26th- No School- All Day Date
June 2nd- Senior Lagoon Day 10 am to the rest of the night
June 3rd- Ames Check out
June 4th- Yearbook/BBQ
June 5th- Graduation at libby gardener Hall at 2:00 pm
June 6th- the first day of the rest of my life.
May 10th- Lauren's Birthday
May 10th-11th-Mother's Day
May 13th- AP psychology exam
May 16th- show portfolio
May 21st- Senior/ Junior Banquet
May 26th- No School- All Day Date
June 2nd- Senior Lagoon Day 10 am to the rest of the night
June 3rd- Ames Check out
June 4th- Yearbook/BBQ
June 5th- Graduation at libby gardener Hall at 2:00 pm
June 6th- the first day of the rest of my life.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
ramblings
i feel so sick
my neck is stiff, my head hurts, I have a sore throat, and I have like this thick mucus stuck to the inside of my throat.
It's lovely.
I'm not sure what it is though. Damn girl...
my neck is stiff, my head hurts, I have a sore throat, and I have like this thick mucus stuck to the inside of my throat.
It's lovely.
I'm not sure what it is though. Damn girl...
Monday, March 31, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
Life forming
This is the way life works out.
you have a thought, a dream, an idea that could change your life, for good or bad.
then you begin to take baby step in the direction of that idea wether you are aware of it or not.
you begin to make progress and advance yourself in that direction.
Soon big changes and milestones begin to occure and you feel either happy or sad.
you have a thought, a dream, an idea that could change your life, for good or bad.
then you begin to take baby step in the direction of that idea wether you are aware of it or not.
you begin to make progress and advance yourself in that direction.
Soon big changes and milestones begin to occure and you feel either happy or sad.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Yet another reason why SLC kicks ass
Having placed San Francisco and New York City atop its 1999 list of the best places to live, Money magazine editors focused this year on economically vibrant cities that are also successfully managing their growth and providing the highest quality of life around, selecting Portland, Oregon as the best overall and Sarasota, Florida as the best small city. Their regional 2000 awards went to Providence, Rhode Island in the Northeast; Chicago, Illinois in the Midwest; the Raleigh/Durham/Chapel Hill area, North Carolina in the South; and Salt Lake City, Utah in the West. All these cities have solid schools, healthy growth and low crime; all control urban sprawl, avoid overcrowding and put a premium on green space, culture and having an accessible city center. In contrast to San Francisco and New York City, which have became too expensive and more congested, this year's best cities keep their average home prices between $126,000 and $170,000 and their average commute time between 18 and 28 minutes. Happy to lead the best city, Portland Mayor Vera Katz says We're growing gracefully. 11/30/2000
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
So busy!! @_@
I'm so glad that I'm busy.
There's nothing more that I hate than just sitting around and not doing anything all day, that is soo boring. I want to be busy, freakin' out with a cup of cofee in one hand and an energy drink in the other, while I run to catch the bus to my internship. That life and I love every minute of it. The worry the anxiety it's beautiful in a weird way.
I love my internship, I enjoy comming in everyday and I stay as long as I can. It's so fulfilling knowing all the hard work done at MLC is for a good cause, and that I'm a part of it. I love, love, love life right now.
I'm starting my job at Joy's Deli, in the Downtown Library on Friday. It's going to be awsome!!
The only thing that worries me is the scheduling- Getting down here (downtown) at exactly 3, and balancing MLC and work, but I have a good feeling about this.
I'm planning on working at the deli from now till june, and then quitting to work full time, with pay, at MLC.
Then of course I start slcc in the fall and the first year of the rest of my life.
I'm going to save my money to buy a car. Once my two years at slcc are up, I'm planning on transferring at the U and either living somewhere nearby or right on campus.
I just need to play my cards right and get good grades this year in order to graduate. I also need to plan my senior project and do some volunteer events. Damn I'm a busy girl.
So for now I'm looking forward to a protest in front of the city council building on thursday
My training at joys deli in the library on friday
finishing my senior project
choosing my slcc classes in April
graduating from AMES
Starting MLC in June
going to Costa Rica
Attending SLCC in the fall
buying a car
transferring to the U two years later
Graduating From the U
These are the blueprints, now I'm going to do everything I possibly can, including but not limited to: pulling all nighters, putting off relationships for a while, flippin' burgers, and working my butt off, till I reach my goals.
There's nothing more that I hate than just sitting around and not doing anything all day, that is soo boring. I want to be busy, freakin' out with a cup of cofee in one hand and an energy drink in the other, while I run to catch the bus to my internship. That life and I love every minute of it. The worry the anxiety it's beautiful in a weird way.
I love my internship, I enjoy comming in everyday and I stay as long as I can. It's so fulfilling knowing all the hard work done at MLC is for a good cause, and that I'm a part of it. I love, love, love life right now.
I'm starting my job at Joy's Deli, in the Downtown Library on Friday. It's going to be awsome!!
The only thing that worries me is the scheduling- Getting down here (downtown) at exactly 3, and balancing MLC and work, but I have a good feeling about this.
I'm planning on working at the deli from now till june, and then quitting to work full time, with pay, at MLC.
Then of course I start slcc in the fall and the first year of the rest of my life.
I'm going to save my money to buy a car. Once my two years at slcc are up, I'm planning on transferring at the U and either living somewhere nearby or right on campus.
I just need to play my cards right and get good grades this year in order to graduate. I also need to plan my senior project and do some volunteer events. Damn I'm a busy girl.
So for now I'm looking forward to a protest in front of the city council building on thursday
My training at joys deli in the library on friday
finishing my senior project
choosing my slcc classes in April
graduating from AMES
Starting MLC in June
going to Costa Rica
Attending SLCC in the fall
buying a car
transferring to the U two years later
Graduating From the U
These are the blueprints, now I'm going to do everything I possibly can, including but not limited to: pulling all nighters, putting off relationships for a while, flippin' burgers, and working my butt off, till I reach my goals.
Monday, February 11, 2008
No money = no food
I have no money and I'm hungry, but I have no food.
This is called being broke. That is me.
Today I left school with my sister and road the bus down to the main library where I took many beautiful pictures, but since I lost the cable to connect my camera to the computer I cannot show you them. I do however have a card reader in my possesion and I plan on uploading these beautiful pictures of SLC sometime later.
see ya
This is called being broke. That is me.
Today I left school with my sister and road the bus down to the main library where I took many beautiful pictures, but since I lost the cable to connect my camera to the computer I cannot show you them. I do however have a card reader in my possesion and I plan on uploading these beautiful pictures of SLC sometime later.
see ya
Sunday, January 27, 2008
today is the day
yes, today is the day my friend.
Today in about three hours, (supposively) we'll be completely out of our apartment and on the road. (supposively.)
Today in about three hours, (supposively) we'll be completely out of our apartment and on the road. (supposively.)
Thursday, January 24, 2008
tomorrow
tomorrow can't come soon enough.
and after tomorrow comes, tomorrow cannot come soon enough once again, and once it happens it cannot stop.
and after tomorrow comes, tomorrow cannot come soon enough once again, and once it happens it cannot stop.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Jim Carrol for Nobel Prize in Literature
Little Ode On St. Anne's Day
You're growing up
and rain sort of remains
on the branches of a tree
that will someday rule the earth.
and that's good
that there's rain
it clears the month
of your sorry rainbow expressions
and clears the streets
of the silent armies...
so we can dance
The penalty for desertion
is death by firing squad.
I'm saving you this trouble
enclosed is a pistol.
loaded with only one bullet.
squeeze the trigger once
perhaps nothing will happen.
but squeeze it a second time...
a third time... You see
I know the games you love
You're growing up
and rain sort of remains
on the branches of a tree
that will someday rule the earth.
and that's good
that there's rain
it clears the month
of your sorry rainbow expressions
and clears the streets
of the silent armies...
so we can dance
The penalty for desertion
is death by firing squad.
I'm saving you this trouble
enclosed is a pistol.
loaded with only one bullet.
squeeze the trigger once
perhaps nothing will happen.
but squeeze it a second time...
a third time... You see
I know the games you love
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Just three more days
Just three more days
just three more days
just three more days
and I will be free
Just three more days
just three more days
just three more days
and I will be free
Just three more days
just three more days
just three more days
and the facade will fall away
and I will be free
But three more days cannot come soon enough, and I am burning from the inside out, slowly smoldering, my eyes watering, tears of lava rolling down my burnt cheeks, puffs of smoke rolling slowly, dully from within my lungs in big black clouds with each heavy sigh.
Just three more day
just three more days
just three more days
cannot come soon enough
justh three more days
just three more days
just three more days
before I fully combust.
just three more days
just three more days
and I will be free
Just three more days
just three more days
just three more days
and I will be free
Just three more days
just three more days
just three more days
and the facade will fall away
and I will be free
But three more days cannot come soon enough, and I am burning from the inside out, slowly smoldering, my eyes watering, tears of lava rolling down my burnt cheeks, puffs of smoke rolling slowly, dully from within my lungs in big black clouds with each heavy sigh.
Just three more day
just three more days
just three more days
cannot come soon enough
justh three more days
just three more days
just three more days
before I fully combust.
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