ShootingStars*

2009-10-12T10:50:00.000-07:00

I feel like a lifetime has gone by since these pictures were taken. I'm certainly a different person internally though I look almost exactly the same externally. And not much time has passed since these photos were taken either- yet so much as occurred.
Car accident's, fell out of love, fell in love with someone else, got fired, got hired, moved states, started college twice (but haven't finished once), new car, new home, new life, cleared up one debt, racked on another....life's crazy- I love it.

memories

2009-10-12T10:48:00.000-07:00

2009-09-16T10:34:00.000-07:00

OMG OMG OMG
I JUST GOT HIRED PERMANENTLY AS A RECEPTIONIST-I'M SO HAPPY! I DON'T CARE IF I GET PAID 7.00/HR I'M JUST SO HAPPY TO BE HERE.

YAI!!

STUPID QUOTE OF THE DAY

you want to be like me, but you'll always be just another imitation

Where's the exit?

2009-08-24T13:43:00.000-07:00

So I’m starting school on Wednesday and I’m pretty excited but also worried about how I’m going to pay for my tuition come November 9th

I know I qualify for financial aid but I can’t get my parents information because they’re so busy, and by the time they fill it out, I’m pretty sure there’s not going to be any financial help for me left. Which leaves me to my own devices- which consist of loans, which I will have to pay back sooner of later.

I have no idea what I’m going to do. I’m so worried and I feel like I’m about to break down in tears because I really want to go to school and I have no money.

And I’ve heard it said that lack of money is not a reason, not to go to school, but the what do I do when my tuition debt comes in the mail and I’m 3,000+ in debt. Not to mention my other debt with Weber State. I haven’t even bought the $200 worth of books I still have left to buy for this semester.

I also have to pay the city of west valley and the city of Murray a combined $300 for various traffic tickets and I don’t even have my license. Speaking of not having my license I still have one observational class and one driving class left before I can even make an appointment to come in and do the driving test at the DMV or with my dad and that’ll be about another $30-$40 which I don’t have.

Speaking of $300 I owe express about that much money. Bringing my debt to just under $9000 at 19 years of age. I’m worth -$9,000.

I just hope that I can hold on tight for this wild ride and make it through on the other side in one piece.

it's over - he's gone

2009-04-24T06:17:00.000-07:00

After so much effort, and trust I was beginning to reestablish, he betrayed me again. perhaps worse than ever before. I gave him one last chance and he blew it. Blew it in such a way that i was completely unmoved by his tears as he begged me to stay with him.
I've been through this too many times. I'm to young and pretty to be with a guy like this. I left my family, sacrificed my school, and went through so many hardships with him. I thought that he had changed but because I had a guy feeling I always kept a close eye on him. In the end it didn't matter because it was my mom who found the e-mails.
My dad confronted the the two of us. He had no words to defend himself, and I had no desire to do so for him.
I knew he had done it again. Even after he had begged and cried, and made me promise I'd give him another chance. I did, and here we were again.
I took him outside and the first and only thing I had to say was said, "It's over."
Our conversation did not deviate from that theme. I wanted it to sink in that it really was over. completely.
In the end he said he would be leaving. I offered to take his suitcase to the car, and before he could answer I, along with my dad were placing his cloths and a blanket into the backseat of his already cluttered car.
We talked a little more, I explained to him that I had given him a chance and he had chosen to blow it. He said he was going to prove to me that he was a good man. I yawned.
In the end I parted ways without a hug or kiss. Without so much as a glance over my shoulder. Our game lasted a year and two months.
I felt anger more than anything at the fact that my family, and I, had trusted him so completely, and how he betrayed our trust and mocked me, our relationship and just took everything for granted.
Yet when my family and I sat at our dinning room table, later that night, I did not shed any tears. My mother commented on how strong I was being. But the truth is this moment has been months in the making, and I had been, if not emotionally, then at least mentally ready.
Later that night I changed my myspace and facebook profile status to single. I sent a few messages to Jesus, who can't seem to get away from me, he always seems to find a way to find me no matter how hard I try to get away from him. I figured that since now I'm single I should go ahead and see where things go.
I feel like laughing because just the other day Erick was in my office kissing and hugging me and when a few coworkers saw me I felt a little proud that we looked like such a good couple.
24 hours later, I'm single. But it's good that way guys at the office won't hit on me as much because they think I have aboyfriend. I need a break from guys

whoa-I'm back!

2009-04-22T15:22:00.000-07:00

I've been gone awhile.
lol-understatements....
but yes i went away to cali the land of sand, surf and sun or should i say silicone book jobs, plastic noses and hair extensions. people are so real and down to earth over there.
Actually I staying in an area but was very much unlike the california you see on tv. I stayed in overcrowded little Santa Ana. Very hispanic, very urban but still- and i know some people will scoff- a nice place to live.
I liked my experience down there, with my fiance.
It feels almost surreal when i think back on it and i don't know what gave me the balls to do what i did- just up and leave to a different state with a boy I didn't really know very well but i did.
I'm glad I did. Despite the student loans i now need to take out in order to pay for tution, it was still an interesting experience.
Its definetly a whole different vibe down there. a lot of cholo's with their heads shaved and their pencils mustaches. A lot of beautiful just breathtaking classic cars, and women (I'm not gay but I am honest dam it!) a lot of fun in the sun at the beach and on all those sunny days when you can just take your guy out for a walk around the park; and it just feels like the whole world slows down, enough to make the innocent little afternoon walk feel like a little corner of heaven. A time to just chill, talk, laugh and then return to the grind.
Speaking of which I learned what it means to bust my ass working! at one point i had to get up at 3 am in order to arrive to work on time at 5am. Another time I commuted almost an hour and 30 minutes on bus in order to get to a job. I learned what it was like not to have a dime on you, what it was like to walk one mile in one direction and one mile in the other direction because you had no choice (or were lost, in my case both on two seperate occasions) but to be honest if i had to do it again i would.
I dont' regret anything I did and i'm happy I got to learn (even if it was the hard way) how to survive.
I'm back in town, working as is my nature, and poised to enroll back in school. And so the beat goes on.
I'm back.

writting a check

2008-05-16T23:02:00.000-07:00

and checking it twice
I did it with erick and he came inside of me.
I'm worried that I might become pregnant so I'm buying the day after pill which is effective up to 72 hours. It's already been 24 and by tomorrow it will have been 48.
I'm going to take a check from my dad's check book and I'm going down to the wal-mart and buying the pill...again. I feel so bad, I wish it didn't have to get to this point but I can't have a baby, I just can't let that happen to me.
I was so stupid for not using protection, even though it was his idea, I should have had enough self control to say no, but I was just as much as willing participant.
This is so eerie blogging about this with my dad litteraly less than a foot from the lap top. In fact if he were to turn his head and bother to read what's on the screen he would find out my terrible secret.
I'm scared. I hope I can pull it off, and most of all I hope God has mercy in me and does not let me become pregnant.

A description of a stranger

2008-05-07T14:13:00.000-07:00

he has soft hands
perhaps because he has always found himself in a position of power
His eyes, the colors of wood and honey, stare deeply into mine, searching for an aswer to the secretes in my own dark eyes
His voice is subtle and dark, low murmors meant only for me.
His breath is warm and seductive on my neck and in my ears.
His smile is slow and almost indecipherable and unseen if not caught quickly, he does this when I kiss him.

2008-05-07T13:58:00.000-07:00

School is coming to an end and so is my high school "career" as I've so often heard it referred to. I don't believe it is much of a career, nor much of anything but a compilation of years wherein I made Friends, lost others, learned some stuff, forgot others, moved away, came back, fell in love, fell out of love, was rejected and pursued, passed, failed, shined, sucked, had fun, cried for hours, laughed for hours, yelled for hours, debated for hours, road my bike around, walked my dog, hung out with friends, went to concerts and parties, went trick or treating, had bbq's and road trips, went to the pool, kissed a boy, was kissed back, held hands, watched fireworks, watched funny, scary, angering, and inspiring movies, read great books, and some not so good. Listened to good and bad music, danced to the good music, went to dances for the matter, both in and out of school. Sometimes when to church, stayed up A LOT went to work, A LOT spend A LOT of money, save a Lil bit. Got a dog, won a few awards here and there, participated in the science fair, was a radio DJ, was president, volunteered, was suicidal, had a new lease on life, love myself, and my family, stayed true to who I was, did do drugs, or gone binge drinking (but I'm not a virgin anymore, meh, 2 out of 3- I still pass with an B ) and all in all I have no regrets.
All this and so much more I'm totally forgetting (like sleep overs, haunted houses, girls night out, wandering about alone, flirting with cute guys, slumber parties, making breakfast for friends, lies, truths, games of Uno with my grandma, beautiful summer nights, and morning, beautiful snowy Utah streets, perfect Christmases with my family and lonely valentines, as well as laughing till you pee, crying till your hand tingle, yelling till your hoarse, life, death, funerals, birthdays, baby showers, and life goes on...)

I CAN'T WAIT TIL TOMORROW.

U p and Comming Events!! &hearts

2008-05-01T10:29:00.000-07:00

May 6th - Awards banquest U of U ballroom
May 10th- Lauren's Birthday
May 10th-11th-Mother's Day
May 13th- AP psychology exam
May 16th- show portfolio
May 21st- Senior/ Junior Banquet
May 26th- No School- All Day Date
June 2nd- Senior Lagoon Day 10 am to the rest of the night
June 3rd- Ames Check out
June 4th- Yearbook/BBQ
June 5th- Graduation at libby gardener Hall at 2:00 pm
June 6th- the first day of the rest of my life.

ramblings

2008-04-29T13:43:00.000-07:00

i feel so sick
my neck is stiff, my head hurts, I have a sore throat, and I have like this thick mucus stuck to the inside of my throat.
It's lovely.
I'm not sure what it is though. Damn girl...

Never tell

2008-03-31T22:31:00.000-07:00

Before tonight, I had few if any secrets.

Life forming

2008-03-03T15:58:00.000-08:00

This is the way life works out.
you have a thought, a dream, an idea that could change your life, for good or bad.
then you begin to take baby step in the direction of that idea wether you are aware of it or not.
you begin to make progress and advance yourself in that direction.
Soon big changes and milestones begin to occure and you feel either happy or sad.

Yet another reason why SLC kicks ass

2008-02-28T20:12:00.000-08:00

Having placed San Francisco and New York City atop its 1999 list of the best places to live, Money magazine editors focused this year on economically vibrant cities that are also successfully managing their growth and providing the highest quality of life around, selecting Portland, Oregon as the best overall and Sarasota, Florida as the best small city. Their regional 2000 awards went to Providence, Rhode Island in the Northeast; Chicago, Illinois in the Midwest; the Raleigh/Durham/Chapel Hill area, North Carolina in the South; and Salt Lake City, Utah in the West. All these cities have solid schools, healthy growth and low crime; all control urban sprawl, avoid overcrowding and put a premium on green space, culture and having an accessible city center. In contrast to San Francisco and New York City, which have became too expensive and more congested, this year's best cities keep their average home prices between $126,000 and $170,000 and their average commute time between 18 and 28 minutes. Happy to lead the best city, Portland Mayor Vera Katz says We're growing gracefully. 11/30/2000

So busy!! @_@

2008-02-27T15:47:00.000-08:00

I'm so glad that I'm busy.
There's nothing more that I hate than just sitting around and not doing anything all day, that is soo boring. I want to be busy, freakin' out with a cup of cofee in one hand and an energy drink in the other, while I run to catch the bus to my internship. That life and I love every minute of it. The worry the anxiety it's beautiful in a weird way.
I love my internship, I enjoy comming in everyday and I stay as long as I can. It's so fulfilling knowing all the hard work done at MLC is for a good cause, and that I'm a part of it. I love, love, love life right now.
I'm starting my job at Joy's Deli, in the Downtown Library on Friday. It's going to be awsome!!
The only thing that worries me is the scheduling- Getting down here (downtown) at exactly 3, and balancing MLC and work, but I have a good feeling about this.
I'm planning on working at the deli from now till june, and then quitting to work full time, with pay, at MLC.
Then of course I start slcc in the fall and the first year of the rest of my life.
I'm going to save my money to buy a car. Once my two years at slcc are up, I'm planning on transferring at the U and either living somewhere nearby or right on campus.

I just need to play my cards right and get good grades this year in order to graduate. I also need to plan my senior project and do some volunteer events. Damn I'm a busy girl.
So for now I'm looking forward to a protest in front of the city council building on thursday
My training at joys deli in the library on friday
finishing my senior project
choosing my slcc classes in April
graduating from AMES
Starting MLC in June
going to Costa Rica
Attending SLCC in the fall
buying a car
transferring to the U two years later
Graduating From the U
These are the blueprints, now I'm going to do everything I possibly can, including but not limited to: pulling all nighters, putting off relationships for a while, flippin' burgers, and working my butt off, till I reach my goals.

No money = no food

2008-02-11T13:06:00.000-08:00

I have no money and I'm hungry, but I have no food.
This is called being broke. That is me.
Today I left school with my sister and road the bus down to the main library where I took many beautiful pictures, but since I lost the cable to connect my camera to the computer I cannot show you them. I do however have a card reader in my possesion and I plan on uploading these beautiful pictures of SLC sometime later.
see ya

today is the day

2008-01-27T00:33:00.000-08:00

yes, today is the day my friend.
Today in about three hours, (supposively) we'll be completely out of our apartment and on the road. (supposively.)

tomorrow

2008-01-24T11:40:00.000-08:00

tomorrow can't come soon enough.
and after tomorrow comes, tomorrow cannot come soon enough once again, and once it happens it cannot stop.

Jim Carrol for Nobel Prize in Literature

2008-01-23T21:47:00.000-08:00

Little Ode On St. Anne's Day

You're growing up
and rain sort of remains
on the branches of a tree
that will someday rule the earth.

and that's good
that there's rain
it clears the month
of your sorry rainbow expressions

and clears the streets
of the silent armies...

so we can dance

The penalty for desertion
is death by firing squad.

I'm saving you this trouble

enclosed is a pistol.
loaded with only one bullet.
squeeze the trigger once
perhaps nothing will happen.

but squeeze it a second time...
a third time... You see

I know the games you love

Just three more days

2008-01-22T14:32:00.000-08:00

Just three more days
just three more days
just three more days

and I will be free

Just three more days
just three more days
just three more days

and I will be free

Just three more days
just three more days
just three more days

and the facade will fall away
and I will be free

But three more days cannot come soon enough, and I am burning from the inside out, slowly smoldering, my eyes watering, tears of lava rolling down my burnt cheeks, puffs of smoke rolling slowly, dully from within my lungs in big black clouds with each heavy sigh.

Just three more day
just three more days
just three more days

cannot come soon enough

justh three more days
just three more days
just three more days

before I fully combust.

a day without the letter, "C"

2008-01-22T09:31:00.000-08:00

and without the the letter that looks like an upside down A, and the spare bar because the shitty keyboard I'm using doesn't have those letters or at least they don't react when you press down on them. I hae moila firefo and I could and probably will go bark and change it so that it has the 's and the 's and 's and spaes but then again, maybe I won't it''s kind of interesting lathing how dramaitially different my typing is when I don't hae these three little letter and an enter key. Today I will not hae paragraphs either beauswe I'm an only go down another line when I hae the enter key and I don't so whateer I'll be onent with what I hae right now and not omplain any. KIrkland it looks like I hae all these mistakes going but I don't I just hae these silly keys missing, I swear I would gie it the spell hek but work with me, bear with me, and I will hae it all bak in order by tomorrow I promise, don't miss out on antying either it's not like it's a big deal or anything just, writting to say that today we ouldn't go to shool and that we might as well be withdrawed beause we're leaing for utah as it is. Yeah I ould hange it but I won't or at least I don't feel like I hae to.Take to you tomorrow.

WTF? The college experience...

2008-01-20T21:47:00.001-08:00

WTF is that?
I did a quick Google search of the college experience, and got back answers like, "The College Experience, A Blueprint for Success" to, "Does the college experience damage your brain?" and, "Alcohol and Your College Experience - Facts on Tap"
Lol
and in case you're wondering, I'm (unsurprisingly) going to community college in the fall. This'll be interesting won't it?
Maybe it's because I (and most, if not all of my friends,) actually know how to do laundry, cook, wash dishes, have held down a job or two (or a few) or because I have no interest in drinking, smoking, weed, sororities or frat parties that "The College Experience" just feels like a lame, overdone, Hollywood cliche to me.
Hell, a lot of the "should of's" in life have come and gone for me, and I still don't feel like I'm really missing out on anything.
My 15th birthday came and went, I had a small party, some called it a quince, (it really wasn't,) Nothing fancy really, just lame 70's music to entertain my parents, a nice cake, and a table for some of my friends- and a lot of other people's kids, that I wasn't really familiar with. Only one of the kids that I invited from school showed up. (and I invited tons of people.) But a lot of people I knew outside of school showed up. My friends and I had a great time, mostly talking and laughing. Sure, I kicked out this boy that was pissing me off, and I later ended up apologizing for it, but that was the first and last big moment of "drama" over any boy I can remember.
After that my sixteenth birthday came and went with absolutely no party, not even a present because my family and I were tight for money. A week later I got a small birthday cake from the grocery store, my family and I sang happy birthday, smiled for the camera a couple times, hugged, then ate cake. It was great. :D
Even though, like I said my family had been going through some financial troubles, I still felt like I was having some of the best times ever. I had recently got my dog Pancho (as a puppy back then.) I had recently gotten ribbons for participation and an honorable mention at my school's first science fair, and then an invitation to the Utah State Science fair, where I also won many awards and an honorable mention as well. Earlier that year I had won a blue ribbon in debate and my volunteer club was going great.
Though sure I was sad when I found out we were leaving for az and felt a little out of place during my jr year at a different high school I coped, got good grades and went on to this year, where I have "coasting grades." (c's which is why I didn't get accepted into the University of Utah.- but hey, I got into community college!)
Now I'm 18 never had a bf, never been kissed, never been to a crazy party, don't have a car and I don't feel like I've missed out on anything really.
I've traveled all up and down the west coast, from Yellowstone to Yosemite, and met lots of cool people. I love going to the movies (I've seen American Gangster like 3 times!) and I love going to Barns and Nobel's and reading weird books about secrete societies and listening to talk radio (Michael Savage, Dr. Laura, NPR, Love Line, and Coast to Coast Am are the best)
I love photography, art, music, religion, quotes, history, literature, sight seeing, animals (especially my fat dog) -I just love life, and I don't feel like my lack of one night stands, or kegger's has kept me from enjoying it one bit.

What's more, I don't even see myself as having a "typical" future.
I don't want to get married and have 3.5 kids and a house with a picket fence in middle America, suburbia.
I also don't want to be a tattoo clad, vegetarian, chain smoking, lesbian, atheist, hippie. And yes, there is something wrong with that.
I want to be a pro-life feminist. I want to travel the world and take pictures. I want to adopt a little 10 year old kid,(I know I can't change diapers or stand babies.)sometime in my life- somewhere down the line....WAY down the line, definitely not in my twenties or even thirties for that matter.
I plan to reserve those years to traveling, taking pictures, working hard, doing yoga, playing with my dog, learning to play piano better, learning to dance flamenco and most importantly loving my family, and who knows- maybe if times allows, having a fling here and there.
I want to die and be unknown, I want to fade away like a fallen star. Only those who saw it will remember it and care.
When I die, I every single organ to be donated- from my skin to my brain.
and the rest can be burned and thrown anywhere overlooking the ocean, hopefully during a sunset. That'll be my funeral.
I don't have any particular glamorous view of life. I don't expect to be rich, and I don't want to live in poverty. I just want to be happy. Then I want my family to be happy. Then I want to make my community better.
And I know these are not things that can simply be done and that they take a long time to achieve, but that's what life is for, and thats what I'm here for.

Almost gone

2008-01-20T13:45:00.000-08:00

Yes we're but 5 full days from our great escape.
We got our tunes in check (everything from The Eagles, to Eminem)
and our camera's ready (can you say 1 gig memory cards? they're by Kingston, great stuff.)
We plan on taking high way 89 (dosen't everyone) on our way and hence passing by glen canyon, glen canyon damn, and even the Las Vegas Strip.
This trip is going to be awsome.

A complicated poem

2008-01-18T18:33:00.000-08:00

that you shouldn't read.
(parts of this will not make sense. they didn't to me.)

So the time bomb ticks over our heads
A heart throbbing, choking back emotion, as time sleeps
and we move silently through this landscape
transcending motion, surpassing logic
and entering the realm of the unknown
the realm of beauty, love, and freedom.
This way we die
and become new again.
aging endlessly
blooming eternally
silently weeping
bursting in tumbling laughter
impatiently seeking the answers
to define
the one within.

we are impatient
our expectations are the time bomb yet to happen yet we are impatiently anticipating so it ticks
the heart throbbing, and the chocking back emotion, goes along with the saying heart in my throat, wherein someone is particularly emotional, Again emphasizing the value and emotion we place on our futures and expectation
yet again, we are impatient and we feel as is time sleeps, it cannot go fast enough
but I observe the landscape we cross to get to where we want to go
It transcends motion, because it is not an action motion which will get us there but a series of processes and action which become one motion, therefore transcending the over simplified notion of motion, which is often viewed as one swift movement.
surpassing logic, because one would think that one step would lead to another and so on, but high school is quite different, a lot of detours, which may or may not be directly related to your destiny are in place and must be taken so in a tongue in cheek manner, this surpasses logic and in a more metaphorical may, there is no logical way to plan out life, one can plan but there is no guarantee things will turn out in this way.
and entering the realm of the unknown
through this we realize we are not yet ready for the future for we are strangers in these unknown realms,
of beauty, love and freedom.
The beauty of life, knowledge, the love of family, for another, friends, knowledge and again life, the freedom and the responsibility that come with it ect. unknown realms to a teen encountering them on their own for the first time.
this way we die
That is to say, that these are test that can either make or break you, test which define you and which ever way you choose is more than likely the way you will choose till the day you die
and become new again
so in these ways we also learn news things perhaps not right away but sometimes we become new in learning these things
againg endlessly
that is to say learning endlessly, growing, blooming, endlessly throughout life. these thing will allow us to grow.
silently weeping
silently and with strength over comming and dealing with our struggles along the way
bursting in tumbling laughter
I wanted to use the word bursting because it seemed a little forcefully yet a little more "felt" than just laughing
because even though one may be sad or in this case silently weeping which may also indicate sadness on the inside and a smile on the outside type of archetypal image, one also has to laugh even though it may be forceful, but laugh none the less to enjoy life.
impatiently seeking the answers
so through this whole process what we are really doing is not merely reaching our destiny it's also asking, and answering question to find out who we are and as a result define
the one within
not the daughter, not the student, not the mother etc.
but the INDIVIDUAL. the WOMAN the MAN the HUMAN inside of all of us, what are our values, what are our ideals, what are our dreams? That is who we are, and again, this process is one to find the answer to these and embrace and protect these.

A dirty little secrete about solar energy

2008-01-12T22:54:00.000-08:00

So I'm doing a school project on presidential candidates and their views on environmental issues.

"Actually the dirty little secret about solar power is that it takes MORE energy to manufacture a solar panel than the panel will produce. THATS why subsidies are "needed." With average efficiencies in the 14% range, the panels simply cannot reach the energy break even point that will make them suitable for replacement of fossil fuels.
BTW - I live on a boat and actually USE solar panels to keep my batteries charged. (I just couldn't find an extension cord long enough to let me plug into the grid.)
Solar energy IS NOT competitive with fossil fuels - yet. When they reach the 25 to 30% efficiency range, that might change, but we're not there yet."
-willers32

DENMARK IS NOT THE HAPPIEST PLACE IN THE WORLD

2008-01-12T22:45:00.000-08:00

Did anyone else catch that politically charged little segment on Denmark, in 20/20 report on "Happiness" (Whatever that is... *b-because it's relative? g-get it? get- aww nevermind.*) the other night?
Well turns out Denmark, besides having plenty of buzz words "FREE HEALTH CARE!!!" "DEMOCRATIC LIBERAL GOVERNMENT!!" etc.
also has some of the world's highest tax rates and some of the highest rates of SUICIDE among teens, (as well as in the world on a per country basis coming in third after Lithuania and Belarus. ) But hey don't take it from me, listen to a man who's been living there for 20 years, and according to him, things ain't so grand.
"In the name of heavens and earth
GOD
It is the biggest lie to say Denmark is happiest country, what are you after by such a big lie?
________________________________________
This is my opinion to "Denmark named happiest place, but where is U.S.". CNN's link Denmark... BBC's link Denmark 'happiest place on earth'
Maybe English people do not know anything about happiness themselves, and it is why they call Denmark happiest country. (However, I cannot say so about English people because I know it is wrong to say.) So, what are you after by such big lie and calling Denmark happiest country?
I have lived here in Denmark in last 20 years and I saw no real happiness in Denmark. Up to 5 or 10 years ago Denmark was of those countries whom had highest rate of teenage suicides in world. About 450.000 people are officially registered as patients whom are being beside mental sickness out of 5 million population or in other words from every 10 Danish one is beside psychic problems, What a happy people! Happiness for many Danish people is either taking "happy tablet, cypramid and so", getting laid or getting drank. Most of old people complain why their children does not visit them more than once a year. And in that once a year which is Christmas, their happiness is no more than over eating and drinking and call it happy time. Have you ever seen children whom had happy childhood. Such happy childhood people never cut their contact with their parents simply because their miss their parents in their heart. Because seeing their parents make them happy. So if Danish people had not happy time at their parents or with their children what have you found in Denmark to name it happiest country.
Is it Danish social welfare that has got you to come with such big lies about happiness of Denmark? Is it because you like to have same welfare system in USA and because of that you come with such lies? Have you ever thought maybe these people are so cold hearted that without a good state health security things will be much uglier than any other country. Don't you think instead of making lies about happiness of Denmark you could write about real need of your society for better health care. Do you know some Danish people call their welfare salary "shut up money". And about their health care, "They say we keep with public hospitals as long as we are healthy enough to over come its damage."
Individual freedom in Denmark is as low as people's stress and feelings of insecurity of remaining out of social groups is very visible in some. In other words people do not dare live on their own in this fucking country because they get abused without others support. They must have some to support them where they live, where they work or where they study. And surly abuser groups have fun on expense of others, it is why people fear of remaining out of groups. Maybe the English guy have become found of Danish abusers fun to write such a lie about Denmark being happiest country. Does problem solve by joining groups, no. Abuse is right of the group but they become little more genteel in their abuse. What group demand of its members? Group demand of its members to cooperate in jump on whomever is against group abuse, innocent or not is not the question. The more cold blooded in destroying others earn himself a higher place in group.
Here in Denmark, people learn Persian to mop me. Nearly a nation of 5 million people learn a Persian to mop one person by their radio and TV. If it is not sick (maybe it is what you call happiness). Since when psycho sick people get known and named as happiest people that you name Denmark happiest country?
A normal happy human, a normal satisfy human does not like to see others in suffer. It is while here in Denmark Danish people forget their own problems, sadness's and not being satisfy, by finding me as their national victim. Like Gladiators of roman or Runner man movie of Arnold my torture has brought feeling of unity for Denmark. Have you ever hit any boxing bag to get yourself free of your anger? I am that boxing bag of mobbing for many Danish people here in Denmark. My question is, How come you call boxing bag needed people to get anger relive, happiest people of the world?
My torture has cost world about 500.000 death, many ten millions homeless, and some 100 billion $ in damage expense. (Surly it was not cheap for world entertaining Danish people and make them the happiest people.) Maybe killer beasts are the most happiest people, therefore this English guy named Denmark happiest country. GOD knows how many more million people must die to keep Denmark happy. If happy people are so killer beasts, it is a good news to hear people in rest of world are not so happy and by that are not so killer beasts either.
Once in Denmark Danish royal family has got mentioned as not important but harmless family. That time even there was talk about independency of Greenland and Ferrørne. But now, when a Danish prince marry a Asian girl, Denmark must become king of Japan and Asia. When they marry a Australian girl, Denmark must become king of Australia and when they marry a French girl, Denmark must become king of France. These shit has cost me night and days of torture and the world 500.000 death and millions of homeless. Maybe the harmless family of 80th was no more than building a false trust at me for later abuse. Maybe you betrayer English guy are as well to making the same false trust in world by hiding the beast in skin of happiest lam of world. And of course the easy conjurer kings become popular and their popularity bring unity and happiness in nation. If USA use billions of dollars in war and military to concur Iraq or Afghanistan, Danish prince just get girl and by that take over that country by become their king. Whom can be more clever than such kings, our kings! Is it this that has got you to name Denmark as happiest country.
Just in last week only 80 people died of heat here in your own Europe, and 80 in USA, how dare you call this fucking Denmark happiest country? These beasts are killer beasts, and you call them world happiest people, shame on people like you who show beasts as happiness angels and victims as ugly beasts.
Ta Seyed Mohammad Ali Mearaji
www.seyed.com
28 July 2006 "

Never Enough

2008-01-11T15:05:00.000-08:00

For some people it's never enough.
The little bit they have isn't worth their gratitude.
For my mother, nothing is ever enough, nothing is ever good enough for her, nothing is achievable unless she says so and she never does.
She just graduated from beauty school today, her friends threw confetti and glitter and she even got a fancy diploma, but even so, even with the fake red smiles on the outside, she reserves her frowns and bitterness for us. And once she targets one of us she shoots.
Some times she misses sometimes she hit right on target. Today she got me and it hurt.
Like a ship sinking, I thought I had the situation in control till water started to get in and everyone's support for me, if they had any disappeared and I started to sink.
I was the bad guy now, and either they didn't look at me, or scowled at me.
All I said was that I was sad because I wouldn't get to walk in my graduation with the rest of my friends.
TO which my mom replied
"I don't care, don't even talk to you about your school, or how you feel about school. If you need to talk to someone about that then talk to your dad."

Well obviously it made me feel sad but for some reason, I was the bad guy. Somehow I'm not even sure how she twisted it around so that I was the one at fault.
When will I have enough? Enough of trying to make people who don't love me, at least like me?
I should stop, and just accept things. You can't change yourself to fit the world, you can only change the world to fit you.

Recomendation of the day

2008-01-09T19:30:00.000-08:00

watch the midwest teen sex show
either on youtube
or here
at midwestteensexshow.com :)

Iran thinks we're afraid of them, LOL!

2008-01-08T22:42:00.000-08:00

Because the U.S. didn't sink those Iranian speedboats, Iran now thinks the U.S. is afraid of them
Someone please assassinate Ahmadinejad (their crazy holocaust denying, Jew hating, fanatical president) before some serious Sh!t goes down....

listen to the man, he's right.

2008-01-07T16:17:00.000-08:00

"Being 'RANDOM' isn't fucking funney! D:<"
-Milesaway13

Latest Polls

2008-01-03T20:28:00.000-08:00

courtesy of the desmoinesregister.com
as of 9:34 pm January 3rd 2007
you know Hillary is in hot water as Edwards is right on her heels, and she supposively one of the main contenders, guess the people of Iowa don't think so.
Kucinich who? According to c-span this poor guy has a laughably pathetic 1% vote.
Ron Paul also triumphed in failing with only 9% of the vote

OBAMA WINS CAUCUS!!--> hopefully ^.^

2008-01-03T18:27:00.000-08:00

YES LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
my favorite democratic candidate Borrack H. Obama is in the lead for the Iowa caucus for the democratic ticket. I knew it, I always knew it. God bless him.
Huckabee by the way, my favorite for the republican ticket, is also in the lead for the caucus for HIS party. Awesome I like both, but I want Obama to win the whole thing. Gotta love these candidates. :D

Happy New Year

2007-12-31T22:56:00.000-08:00

Welcome to 2008

This may be the first day of the rest of my life
or the last
whichever, whenever, wherever I wish you only the best, and hope you have a great year.
God Bless and happy new year. The world awaits.

"live dangerously. Build your cities on the slopes of vesuvius."

Dare to think, question, and decide for yourself

2007-12-31T10:43:00.000-08:00

Empower yourself- Empower the people

Yesterday's Fiesta Bowl Parade

2007-12-30T09:56:00.000-08:00

So as you may or may not know, yesterday was the annual Fiesta Bowl Parade in downtown Phoenix, AZ. I along with thousands was there to cheer on the marching bands, army, balloons, and floats. Here are some of the high lights.

the obligatory christmas presents

2007-12-28T22:40:00.000-08:00

Benazir Bhutto

2007-12-27T22:11:00.000-08:00

"Policy on Taliban
The Taliban took power in Kabul in September 1996. It was during Bhutto's rule that the Taliban gained prominence in Afghanistan. She viewed the Taliban as a group that could stabilize Afghanistan and enable trade access to the Central Asian republics, according to author Stephen Coll.[18] He claims that her government provided military and financial support for the Taliban, even sending a small unit of the Pakistani army into Afghanistan.
More recently, she took an anti-Taliban stance, and condemned terrorist acts committed by the Taliban and their supporters."
Which is why she got wacked.

My heart breaks everytime I read this

2007-12-26T17:53:00.000-08:00

Little Ode On St.  Anne's Day
You're growing up
and rain sort of remains
on the branches of a tree
that will someday rule the earth.

and that's good
that there's rain
it clears the month
of your sorry rainbow expressions

and clears the streets
of the silent armies...

so we can dance

by Jim Carroll

Global Warning

2007-12-26T08:58:00.000-08:00

Check out the Global Warning issued by my favorite actor Leonardo DiCaprio.

Christmas Eve-Expand your mind

2007-12-24T13:07:00.000-08:00

Coast To Coast AM find it on your am radio dial late at night and hear amazing stories you won't hear anywhere else.
Russ Kick- From "Psychotropedia : a guide to publications on the periphery" to "You are being lied to : the disinformation guide to media distortion, historical whitewashes and cultural myths" among other curious titles that'll make you think twice about the world around you. (My current favorite: 50 things you're not supposed to know (the police aren't legally obligated to protect you!!))

Other favorites from Mr. Kick include,
Abuse your illusions : the disinformation guide to media mirages and establishment lies.
Everything you know about sex is wrong : the disinformation guide to the extremes of human sexuality (and everything in between)
Everything You Know About God Is Wrong : The Disinformation Guide to Religion

and finally, for a new political perspective this year, please tune into Dr. Michael Savage, (He earned a Ph.D. from the University of California, Berkeley, in nutritional ethnomedicine.) the host of the nationally syndicated Savage Nation radio show, (which reaches more than 10 million listeners on 410 stations throughout the US. ranking 3rd in both nationwide audience and syndicated stations.) he has has written four New York Times best sellers and among them, Liberalism is a Mental disorder. (Which I own)
Savage is not a republican, neo-conservative, conservative, Christian, bible thumper, liberal, lefty, righty, etc. He transcends labels and criticizes anyone and everyone with humor and striking wit, from Bush, illegal immigration, Ann Coulter, Presidential Candidates, and Barbara boxer, to Susan Sarandon, (or saran-wrap as he calls her) and his walks on the board walk with his pooch Teddy.
Tune in to the Savage Nation

And if these modern day visionaries don't get you thinking, take a look at some of these interesting and frightening facts found in Russ Kick's book 50 Things you're not supposed to know.

The CIA commits over 100,000 serious crimes each year
2 atomic bombs dropped on North Carolina
Many of the pioneering feminist's opposed abortion
The police aren't legally obligated to protect you
Electric cars in the 1880's
You can mail letters little or no cos

Merry Christmas, and Happy Holiday's
Stay Curious
_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*__*_*_*_*_*_*__*_*_*_*__*_*__*_*_*_*_*_*_*__*_*_*_*_*

Christmas eve in Arizona

Best Calorie Counter I've ever seen

2007-12-20T20:01:00.000-08:00

I found a great Calorie Counter
This website also has an exercise log and it'll tell you how many calories you burn walking at different speeds and distances, it's excellent.
1. Look up an activity such as bicycling in the search bar and you might get something similar to this, a detailed list of the activity or similar activities.

2. Once you click on one, you get a report on it like this

3. If you'd like to look up a report on your food just type in a word like "apple" even a brand name like ("Pepsi" is acceptable,) and a list similar to the bicycle list will appear, very detailed and very organized.
Once you click on the link, you will see a report like this.

funny randomness

2007-12-20T19:01:00.000-08:00

5 days bby

2007-12-20T18:42:00.001-08:00

presents under the Christmas tree already!
From left to right
I got my mom a cute little lotion package, with three different scents-orange, lemon, and pomegranate's, as well as a singing holiday card. This one sing Jose Feliciano's, "Felis Navidad!"
I got my dad a hallmark book, where he answers questions about his life. It's be neat to go back and read his answer. My dad card sings, "We Wish You a Merry Christmas"
And I got my little sister, an assortment of different colored eyeshadow and brushes, as well as a smackers lip gloss kit, and my sister's card sings "Jingle Bell Rock"
My present from my sister is on the very bottom of all three gifts with the red bow (on the bottom left) I have no idea what it is, but it feels pretty light, so I'm thinking it might be a shirt.
_*_*_*_*_*_*__*_*_*_*_*_*__*_*_*__*_*_*_*__*_*_*__*_*_*_*__*_*_*_*__*_*_*
On a side note
today was a beautiful day

This past week-Happy Holidays

2007-12-19T15:03:00.000-08:00

A beautiful sunset over Chandler Blvd.

How can you say life is not beautiful?

Some of the ornaments on our psychedelic Christmas tree :D

I love my mommy!

Doggy taking a cat nap

Good times with my little sis.

and now we sleep :)

Cheapest/Hotest shopping site

2007-12-18T12:20:00.000-08:00

check it out
only $2.99 at Amerimark.com

even better, $2.09

Get your Christmas shopping done cheap!

All about me

2007-12-17T08:04:00.000-08:00

I'm 17 year old Indira Gutierrez writing from chandler, Arizona. I was born in El Salvador and moved to America when I was five. I would not be here if it were not for the two most important people in my life, my mother who survived the civil war conflict in her native country, El Salvador and still managed to graduate from college as a social worker, and my father who like me, is Costa Rican and works as a computer technician, for Insite Direct. When I was 5 my parents decided it would be best for the future of our family, to come to America. In America we would not experience the same poverty, illegal drug problems, petty crime and lack of opportunity, as in Costa Rica.
We first arrived at Salt Lake City, Utah, where we lived for 12 years. While in Utah I tutored kids at Nibley Park Elementary and became a member, and L.I.T. (Leader in Training) of the local Boys and Girls club. I also attended the Academy for Math Engineering and Science, also known as, AMES Academy; a charter school where I participated in the yearbook club and the bicycle club. I also organized the school’s first annual multi-cultural fair. My sophomore year, I created the school’s first volunteer club, AMES Volunteers. As president of AMES Volunteers I recruited and organized volunteers for various events which I also scheduled. Throughout the course of my sophomore year I scheduled volunteer events with the Muscular Dystrophy Association, the Boys and Girls Club of America, the Girl Scouts, the Utah Aids Foundation, and the Utah Children’s Center. Simultaneously, I was a part of my charter schools’, host schools’ public forum debate team. I won a blue ribbon for “excellent speaker” at my first novice public forum tournament. I also joined our school’s first ever science fair, where I won honorable mention and when on to the regional, Salt Lake Valley Science and Engineering Fair, where also received honorable mentions as well as the American Society of Civil Engineers (ASCE) science award, Jane Goodall's: Roots and Shoots Environmental award, and later in the year at the Ames Academy awards banquet I also won the Science Advancement Program award, for this science fair event.
Outside of school my mother who worked at a social worker and promoter for Holy Cross Ministries, had made a close circle of friends of about four families. With these four other families we would take road trips, when we had more time (during the summer, winter holidays, or spring break) or week end trips, when we had less time. Together we traveled to Moab, Utah, and scaled delicate arch, Mt. Timpanogus, Mammoth Lake in California, Yosemite National Park also in California, Yellowstone National Park in Montana for the fourth of July, and numerous trips to Old Mormon temples, historical sites, Cascade Falls in Midway near Heber, Bear Lake, Yuba Bay, and Mirror Lake. Everywhere we went we laughed, took tons of pictures, BBQ-ed and had fun. We were a rather large group of thirty people or more at most, and a medium group of about 7 at least. We all had common interest and parallel lives. All of the catholic faith, all particularly devoted to it, all working for the same church at some point or another, (Even my dad who had been a administrative assistant there, helping out with book keeping, and scheduling, among other things.) All the adults had at least two children, but no more than 4, all the children were of teenage age or less, the adults were also in their forties or late thirties, all had at least some college education, if not more, upper-middle class homeowners, two cars in the garage, and all were Hispanic, and Spanish speaking. The women gossiped about each other, cooked together, shopped together etc. While the men, took pictures, BBQ-ed, talked about soccer, and work. The children, never really cozy, treated each other with a sort of icy respect reserved for strangers, only rarely, really breaking the ice to laugh and play together. Only one particular girl, which I will call K, was particularly fun to be around, she was more outgoing than the rest, more talkative, and very, very crazy. Constantly making obscene jokes, and stupid remarks just to make you laugh. If you didn’t laugh she would target you and drill you till she broke you and made you smile. Life was like this, a blur or school, crushes, road trips, BBQ’s and a longing throughout the entire experience for others to recognized what we had “achieved.” The American dream: a cozy life, with lots of friends, and academic achievement. When before we never wanted relative and friends to come over and stay at our home for a few months, we were now wondering why they didn’t come more often, “Come see our new house!” We would encourage, “It’s only four years old, and two stories!” Perhaps it was our enthusiasm and obvious boastful tone, which drew them away. Yet it is just at this time, when you have it all that you forget how much it truly means to you. My dad began to reconsider his place in Utah, his place in life, his career, a little too late if you ask me.
So when a new employment opportunity appeared in Arizona, my father jumped at the chance, without so much as a glance over his shoulder at what he was leaving behind, what the whole family would leave behind. For me it was my friends, reputation, and achievements. For my mother it was her friends, her job, and her achievements and reputation. For my sister it was the promise of a better future at the prestigious academy I was currently attending, and her friends. Yet my dad, usually a rational man, acted rash, and did not seem to think twice or care. I call it a mid-life crisis, he called it an opportunity, to which I retorted silently an opportunity to ruin everything we have.
Two years and some months later I know I’m as right as I was that day I thought this. I was right and I’ve been right. When people find out my dad is a 44 year old man living in an apartment, working two jobs, one at a check cashing place; his wife studying to become a hairdresser, they wonder what my parents have been doing all their life. What they don’t understand is, that they’ve been building a temple all their lives only to destroy it in two years.
Once in AZ I became a Mesquite High School, Wildcat, where I once again, joined the speech and debate team in the public forum division, As well as the “Up and Coming Voters Club.” (UCVC) By the end of my junior year we had successfully raising nearly $3,000, all from student and local business donations, to build a section of a high school for kids in Uganda, Africa; this was done in association with Invisible Children Inc. a non profit organization. Currently, my curriculum is mainly made up of honors classes.
I’ve also been diagnosed with Valley Fever, since coming to Arizona, I still feel energetic and continue to volunteer. This summer I volunteer in Home Based Youth’s “Rise and Dine” program, The American Cancer Society, the Annual Scottsdale Arts Festival, and made a scrapbook, and birthday cards for the non-profit organization known as “Save the Family.”
I recently dropped debate. I used to look forward to graduating from Mesquite High School this coming May, but now my parents are talking about moving back to Utah, and suddenly my future is unknown once again. Now the only thing I’m really looking forward to is going on to community college in the fall. From now till then, life remains a blur.

biological clock

2007-12-17T00:39:00.000-08:00

my clock is out of wack. I came home a little peeved and fell asleep for about 3-4 hours from 6-10ish or around there, and I coulnd't get back to sleep since.
I found my way to the kitchen where I heated up two taco bell tacos, and drank some soda, and water with ice, while reading a book on famous quotes. Yes, I am eccentric.
I stomped back to bed where I tossed and turned for awhile, day-dreaming, at night, of having a heart shaped pool, with a heart shaped jacuzzi to go all the way around it, and an aquarium of tropical fish inside the pool, posing as the sides of the pool. Again, I'm pretty "interesting."
I also planned out what I "should" do tomorrow, as opposed to what I will actually do.
I should wake up at 4 o'clock in the morning, load up the laundry, do yoga for 30 min., go for a jog for about 30 min., come back and walk my dog for some 30 min., make myself a fruit smoothie for breakfast, Get ready for school, and leave.
What I will do is hit the snooze five times, roll out of bed, heat up two more taco bell tacos, take out my dog for roughly 15 min., comb my hair, and then leave. Probably forgetting something crucial like my shoes or something.
But hey, maybe I should give it a shot and not set myself up for failure, others will do that for me anyway.
Anyways, After an hour or two of unsuccessful tossing and turning I went into my study, also known as the bathroom, and read an entire issue of self magazine (which always inspires me to be a little healthier, which is probably why) I went through my vanity mirror's cabinet and took out all the hundreds of little bottles and jar's we've accumulated over the years and read the back labels, popped open the tops and smelled them, and even tried some on:
A foot lotion guaranteed to relieve itching, "cracked and scaly skin", (if your skin is scaly you probably need to see someone about that.) odor, and best of all "it's diabetic safe!!" it was also environmentally friendly, not tested on animals, recyclable, and 60% aloe. These must have been flying off of shelves.
an eye firming lotion for day and night use. gotta start young I guess.
an "age-defying" rejuvenating make-up remover *stings a little when applied, must be the age-defying effect taking hold.
I put on, and took off, pink, white, and red nail polish
But not even all these fumes put together made me sleepy.
Man we are a couple of losers. here I am writing to you about reading labels, and you're sitting here reading about it. Life sure is weird.
G'night.

Holiday Cheer

2007-12-16T00:44:00.000-08:00

Though I'm broke holiday cheer does not elude me.
I've downloaded tons of holidays songs and completed a holiday play list complete with Nat King Cole, and Elvis among others.
Our beautiful Christmas tree is completely decorated and up. We went for white, artificial, and pre-lighted (?) all we had to do was put up the tinsel, and ornaments. It looks perfect.
Everyone is getting into the holiday spirit, even our neighbors who decked out their VW into a deer-mobile in spirit of holidays.

Very nice.
I've also finished making Christmas cards for each of my teachers. Microsoft publisher is a lifesaver!
Now I'm just stumped as to what to get my family. with exactly 2 dollars left in my debit card, and maybe another dollar or two in change, I don't really have any spending money for them. So It'll either be dollar store gifts this year, or handmade ones. The lesser of two evils.
Here's wishing you a merry Christmas and happy holidays!
P.S. Wish me luck on my finals coming up next week, all week! *shivers*
It shouldn't be so bad though, I just gotta buckle down and study. Those two hours of study halls proved to be real life savers!

Puppy mills suck

2007-12-12T20:27:00.000-08:00

please, don't buy puppies from store. The likely hood that they may come from a puppy mill is too great a risk to put on the line, especially for the lives of the dogs who are suffering at the hands of these breeders at these so called, "puppy mills" where These intelligent loving animals are left to rot away in cages, neglected, and succumbing to mental illness due to lack of stimulation. This is animal cruelty, in the least, if not slow, painful, and inhumane murder.
Too many pet stores purchase dogs from these puppy mills; the puppies which are not sold, are then sold back to the puppy mills in order to breed more puppies, allowing the torturous cycle to begin once again. Even if you do purchase a puppy from a pet store, you are still keeping these puppy mills in business. Please, don't support puppy mills, and adopt a dog from your local animal shelter, these dogs need you, and organizations which house them. please, "be the change you wish to see."

HSUS MySpace Page | Stop Puppy Mills Website

paste this onto your blog, myspace, facebook, email signature or print it out and put it on your school notes books, folder, back of your car, on your checks or tattoo it onto your arm, whatever. Just do something.
I know I personally am not doing enough but posting this is a first step to many.
Anyone who knows me and is considering getting a dog will hear this story from me and I hope you will do the same.
If many people do something small it can become something great. It is not your responsibility to fix the problem, but it IS your responsibility to contribute to the solution, (whether in a small or big way,) if you don't you are simply part of the problem.
please visit http://stoppuppymills.org or peta.org for more information.
Others need our help also. To the right is a list of links to organizations which need your support. (My favorite is volunteer match)
Any help, even small makes a difference, because every action has a reaction.

School Daze

2007-12-11T14:04:00.001-08:00

A stimulating and educational environmentCaring and engaging teachers
but best of all...
a good place to fuck around!

take big breath in TIME FOR A RANT BITCHES!

2007-12-11T13:10:00.001-08:00

(everything from this point forward will be in caps lock to signify my anger.)
THAT'S RIGHT IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN, TIME TO RANT ABOUT SHIT- LIFE- SAME DIFFERENCE
SO I STROLL OVER TO SCHOOL, DRAG MY ASS OVER A FENCE AND LAND ON THE OTHER SIDE LIKE ANY OTHER FUCKING DAY, ONLY TODAY MY KNEE'S FUCKING FELT LIKE DAGGERS HAD JUST GONE THROUGH THEM? WTF? KNEE PAIN? AT 18? WHAT?
OKAY, SO I MAKE MY FAT ASS WAY OVER TO THE SCHOOL GROUNDS, WITH MY KNEE'S IN PAIN, LIMPING LIKE SOME OLD MAN, AND I TAKE A MOMENT TO INVENTORY MY FAT ASS: I'M WEARING BEAT UP SNEAKERS THAT I'VE HAD FOR NEARLY 5 YEARS, BLACK BAGGY POLYESTER-LIKE-SUBSTANCE PANTS, (THAT I BOUGHT AT THE SECOND HAND STORE) A BLACK, WHITE, AND RED BLOUSE WITH A PATTERNED PRINT OF FOLIAGE MADE OF THE SAME MATERIAL. THE SHIRT HOWEVER WAS CONVENIENTLY SKIN-TIGHT TO REVEAL EACH OF MY 7 ROLLS AND SMALL POINTY BREASTS. I ALSO DAWN A BLACK (GOT A MOTIF GOING HERE) FLEECE SWEATER BOUGHT AT TARGET LAST CHRISTMAS ALLEGEDLY COSTING A GOOD $60, FUNNY CUZ THE SEAMS AROUND THE LEFT SLEEVE GAVE OUT A GOOD $50 DOLLARS AGO, LOOKING LIKE SOMEBODY RIPPED MY HAND OFF OF THAT SLEEVE WITH THE WAY THE FRINGES HANG LIKE NERVES. N-WAYS LIKE PPL @ MY OLD HIGH SCHOOL USED TO SAY, I HEAVE MY GINORMOUS ASS UP THE FLIGHT OF STAIRS WHERE I FIND A COUPLE MAKING OUT WHICH ONLY REMINDS ME THAT I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND, WHICH THEN REMINDS ME OF WHY I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND, LET ME LIST THE WAYS: 10 ACNE SCARS, 9 PIMPLES, 8 DISGUSTING OUTFITS, 7 DAYS OF B.O, 6 HOURS OF SLEEP, 5 MEALS A DAY, 4 BATH A WEEK, 3 BLOODY NOSES, 2 SHITTY HAIRCUTS, AND 1 GINORMOUS ASS.
SLIGHTLY OUT OF BREATH I REACH THE SECOND FLOOR LANDING WHERE I SEE CLUMPS OF PEOPLE GATHERED HERE AND THERE AND IT ONLY REMINDS ME OF HOW I HAVE NO FRIENDS, WHICH THEN REMINDS ME OF WHY I HAVE NO FRIENDS (SEE ABOVE) NOW, SLIGHTLY DISGRUNTLED I MAKE MY WAY TO THE BATHROOM WHERE I TUG AT MY PERFECTLY STRAIGHT AND STIFF HAIR SITTING ATTOP MY HEAD LIKE BLACK LIMP STRAW.
HEY SEXY
I PROD AT A FEW PIMPLES, TUG SOME MORE AT MY HAIR, ACT LIKE I DON'T SEE THE GORGEOUS 5'6, 100 LB, SIZE 0, LONG HAIRED CHEERLEADER/BEAUTY QUEEN/PROM QUEEN/HOME COMING QUEEN/ GUY I LIKE'S GIRL FRIEND/GIRL-NEXT-DOOR-WHO'S-PRETTIER- THAN-ME; AS SHE BATS HER EYELASHES AT HER PERFECT REFLECTION AND TALKS ABOUT HOW IN THE WORLD SHE'S GOING TO SPEND HER $2,000 CHRISTMAS MONEY, (IT JUST ISTN'T ENOUGH!) AND POUTS HER LIPS BEFORE LINKING ARMS WITH HER 2 BEST "GAL PALS" AND PRANCES OUT OF THE BATHROOM
LEAVING ME CONTEMPLATING MY SUB PAR APPEARANCE, MY NON-EXISTENT SOCIAL/LOVE LIFE, MY WALLET WITH COBWEBS IN IT, IN A DIMLY LIT, AND SMELLY BATHROOM.
LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
FIRST HOUR PASSES-STUDY HALL ROLLS AROUND, TWICE, THEN ENGLISH. I PLAY DEVIL'S ADVOCATE AND HELP OUT THE STRUGGLING SUBSTITUTE WHILE PEOPLE WHO HAVE A LIFE TALK AND LAUGH WITH THEIR FRIENDS.
FINALLY AFTER SOME PRODDING AND POKING AND ASKING FOR HELP FROM AN IRRITABLE, ELITIST BITCH NEXT DOOR WE GET THE MOVIE TO START WORKING.
FIFTH HOUR ROLLS AROUND, I SIT AWAY FROM MY "ACQUAINTANCES" CAN'T EVEN CALL THEM FR-ENEMIES BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO BE YOUR FRIENDS TO BEGIN WITH, SO I GUESS I JUST SAT FAR FROM MY ENEMIES IN THE BACK, TO THE FRONT- WHERE I ACTUALLY LEARNED SOMETHING TODAY. THEN AFTER FEELING LIKE A TOOL FOR AN HOUR THE BELL RANG, I GRABBED MY SHIT AND MADE SURE SIXTH HOUR DIDN'T COME AROUND BY WALKING HOME- THE SHORT WAY.
ONCE IN MY QUIET DARK CAVE, I CAME TO REFLECTING SOME SHIT, AND REALIZED, TODAY SUCKED, BUT THIS IS JUST LIKE EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE. I'M NOT GOING TO DEAL WITH IT, AND I'M NOT GOING TO FIND SOMETHING NICE, ABOUT IT. I'M GOING TO LIVE IT THROUGH AND THROUGH TILL IT DOESN'T EVEN PHASE ME.
I DON'T THINK ANYONE WANTS ME TO "FAIL" PER-SAY, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE ANYONE THAT OPPORTUNITY. NOSE TO THE GRINDSTONE EVERYFUCKIN'DAY- JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT.

WHOoo okay it's all gone, I feel fine.
Out side of my rants I'm a nice lil' girl

but when that rant comes out it comes out in full force!

Mesquite High School

2007-12-07T15:18:00.001-08:00

A beautiful sunny day at mesquite high school.

new camera

2007-12-03T20:19:00.000-08:00

thats it it's final.
this will now be a photo-blog
I got my new digital camera last friday, and I've put it off till today.
Here presenting my first pics.
enjoy a contrast of rainy and sunny days in chandler

yai!

2007-11-30T13:06:00.000-08:00

why, hello there.

Today was a rainy miserable day, with an overcast sky and a slight chill in the air. My hair, sensitive to humidity was frizzy as always. There was a pep rally at school today, for what, I dunno they did not say, only the usual parade of jocks, cheerleaders, and the rest of the ruling minority. The school simply doing their part to uphold the status quo.
"It's more than just a pep rally!"
Whatever, I have to work today anyway.
My new digital camera just came in! it's an HP Photosmart E337 works just great!!
I give this little camera a 10 :D!
HERE are some of the pics I just took a video of my dog n'joy

John stossel | it's gotta be the stash.

2007-11-22T14:40:00.000-08:00

the man knows what he's doing, and he's doing it right. Happy turkey day to you and John Stossel.!

christmas on my mind

2007-11-04T10:13:00.000-08:00

what? Christmas? it's barely Nov. 4th! but yes, Christmas in on the ol' brain.
I already know what I'm getting myself
Coach bag
laptop and printer
digital camera

I'm getting my sister a coach bag and digital a camera
I'm getting my dad the usual, socks, shoes, and something unusual, a chess set. He's wanted one since I lost the pieces to his old one, when I was little.
I'm not sure what to get my mom though....
she's the hardest to please out of the bunch. Meh, I'll get her a gift card to for a Clark's shoe store, and some "real" jewelry from Swarovsky.

lol, it's nice to watch your money spiral down the drain so quickly, but even better watching people you love receive those tokens of you appreciation.
And they say we're not a materialistic society, ha!

some days life just sucks

2007-11-02T14:25:00.000-07:00

Today is just one of those days
where everything sucks
and you really give a fnck which is why you're so down, if you didn't give a fnck, when fnck it? Why would it be such a bad day? Afterall you don't really give a fnck.
Anyways today was one of those days.
I began the day by waking up to a twilight zone-ish type of stupor, the kind that makes you say, "Huh?"
Then glanced at my clock to discover I had exactly 2 minutes to "get ready" for school and like 8 minutes to actually get there...on time.
Needless to say neither of these things happened, but rather a disasterouse combination of both.
I sorta got ready by throwing my hair in a pony tail, grabbing the nearest pair of jeans and t-shirt, slipping on some slip on shoes, slapping on some eyeliner and eyeshadow and running out the door without bothering to tell my mom I need a key to get in the house later on today.
I walk normally to school, and arrived about 10 minutes late for my first hour economics class. Akwardly I pretened the dozens of eyes looking at me were invisible and made my way to my squeaky seat in the second row, where I sat alone. Even better.
Up to this point I was still not aware I was having a bad day.
I then stayed made my way to study hall where I read the prolouge and some of chapter one of the invisible man for english class...funny how my english class calander says I'm souposed to be on chapeter 9, and I have 4 unfinnished assigments yet to turn in on those chapter, not to mention a essay exam on poems on monday. These things swirled around my head, vauge ghosts of worry. The story is actually quite good and I did not seem to realize the time crunch I was experiencing. Again, obliviouse to the bad, horrible, not good day I was about to experience some more.
Then as second hour finished I noticed a pep rally about to begin in the court yard. A hot, stinky, sweaty, noisy, disorienting, pep rally for a football team that looses every other game.
Pass. I made my way out the school, but not before bumping into Taylor a fellow debater from debate club who pleasantly reminded me of the impending debate this afternoon. I pleasantly informed her that I would be unable to go, to which she informed me I should tell ms. she devil- er- zuiker, that I was unable to go.
Though not aloud, I said, "Hmmm sounds good, but, Fnck that" and bid her farewell.
Yet I could already feel the beginning of a horrible no good very sh!ty day about to develop.
Then I left through the front doors of the school no less and made the Argus 10 Mile walk home, jk it's more like 10 minutes.
Upon arriving i find myself locked and my dog dying to see me.
at which point i flag down a maintenance guy and ask him to help me out.
2bcon.

The zoloft guy DOES piss me off...

2007-10-25T10:19:00.001-07:00

Which mental disorder do you have?
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Unipolar Depression

Congraulations! You are depressed! You know just how it feels to bear all the world's burdens, and the value of a 19-hour night's sleep. And you really hate that circle-guy thing on your Zoloft pill packets.

Unipolar Depression

58%

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

33%

Borderline Personality Disorder

25%

Schizophrenia

17%

Antisocial Personality Disorder

Eating Disorders

Arizona has done to me what rehab couldn't do for amy winehouse

2007-10-19T21:15:00.000-07:00

I just realized a lot has happened since I moved from salt lake city Utah. And what I first viewed as a tragedy, I now see as what was a great opportunity to grow, which I'm glad I experienced, but I'm even more glad to be over with.
Had it not been for my moving out here to Arizona and experiencing some discomfort, from my oh-so-cushy, and sheltered life, I might have never experienced the great and admittedly not so great, moments.
As my time here is nearing an end, (yeah right I still have like 7 months and 2 weeks left,- at most though.) I 'm beginning to reflect on my time here and the good, the bad, and the ugly.
The good is definitely really striking to me now, probably because for the past year or so I've been in this stupid, moody, apathetic teenager, woe-is-me perpetual state of mind with only brief moments of maturity where I would say, "It's not so bad, it's just different" and truthfully it's not bad at all. It's just a completely different setting, I was forced to break out of my shell like an egg being hurled at a brand new car. Reality is harsh, but sometimes that cold splash of water in the face is just what we need to wake us up from our cozy and sheltered sleep. That "harshness" I experienced this past year, including moving to a new state, loosing my Friends, attending a new school, making new friends, find a job for the first time, and dealing with school, was just the bitter sweet taste of "the real world" little did I know this bitter pill was called life, and that really it was not so bitter after all but a little strong maybe, showing me that, "Independence and freedom may be great, but they come at a price."
All in all, I'm glad I came to "Surface of the sun/hell" Arizona as I called it, and I'm even MORE glad to be planning my exit. Even if it is 7months and 2 weeks in advance...what can I say? I'm a very organized person.
As for the NOW which I constantly reminding myself is more important to enjoy than the then and stressing too much about the future, though all are important; I'm excited because Halloween is right around the corner and as a self respecting teen, I'm not about to sit around and do nothing, as well as I'm not about to go out and trick-or-treat like some junior or something, (lol) so I'm planning a Halloween party.
Here's hoping all goes well
Indira

Took my SAT yesterday

2007-10-07T23:37:00.000-07:00

Yes I did the deed, did it for three hours and 10 sec.
Felt like one-hundred years...
Bombed the math section beyond recognition, and aced the rest. I expect my score to be a modest 1300 and below. {According to the college board that translates into "dumbass" or "D" for short, on your report card.}
Gotta aim high, expect low, then be you won't be surprised if it comes true, and you won't be crushed either. I suppose...
School daze have got me crazed
I'm singing the praised of Fall Break! How did they know? One more week and I would have snapped....impecable timing from the folks at school. Of course, "snapping" can mean different things to different people.
To some it means taking an AKA-47 to school and the rest is virginia tech, while to me it means, "F-this I'm going home; taking a 5 hour nap."
Why I did F-This and go home is beyond me, since I've waited nearly all week to present a 30 min. presentation for my psychology class.
Hint: Never, present at the end of class unless you are unprepared, in that case,
Hint: ALWAYS present at the end of class IF you are unprepared
because chances are you won't have enough time to beat the bell, which will ring, an everyone will leave class, and AWW SHUCKS! you'll just have to present tomorrow.
BAD for those who stayed up till 1 am finishing it thinking it was due the next day,
GOOD for those who stayed up till 1 am finishing their 9th tequila jello shooter at rocky point.
Slackers....>:[

Actually I do have a clue as to why I didn't just "F-THIS" and go home, I had my 9Th absence under my belt, and had I squeezed just one more in there, I would be having a pleasant meeting with all my teachers, counselors, the principal and my dearest parents as to why in the world I can't just haul my ass out of bed at 6:00 in the morning and walk 520 feet to school. Yes, I live exactly 528 feet away from my school. I googled it. }:]
Maybe, I would reply it's because I'm a senior, life is mediocre, I've already be accepted into a mediocre college, I'm looking forward to my mediocre life, in my mediocre house, or apartment, with my mediocre dog, and mediocre car, and mediocre everything. They should really just have a 1st, 2Nd, and mediocre place at state fairs, sporting events and other competitive arenas where these silly medals are given out like candy.
"Life is just fine and daddy like apple candy,"
I'll say, and they'll find a psychologist to put me on Prozac and make me think happy thoughts.

Cold Wretched Night

2007-10-07T00:49:00.000-07:00

I have not felt a night so cold and wretched like tonight, since I lived in Salt Lake City, Utah a little over a year ago. For some reason during nights like tonight, the stars jump out of the black sky, and sparkle amazingly bright. There is something about chilly nights, that has this curious and wonderful effect on stars. The algidity of the night, must awaken some primitive emotion in them in order to cause them to gleam so beautifuly.
Paradoxically, Utah is experiencing heavy snow fall and it's tree's are at their Autumn peak, Utah is always so breathtakingly beautiful at it's Autumn peak. The tree's and forest come alive with color, though ironically, the tree's leaves are dying, and doing so in turn to give birth to new ones next spring.
Arizona is a dry, arid, and stagnant rock, with no real stations, besides hot and cold, miserable and more miserable. Cockroaches scurry to and fro outside in the gutters, year round. The cacti reach for the sky stiffly, with blank expressions as if understanding the bleakness of their dessert surroundings.
True Utah is a dessert, a very cold one at that. Though it's beautiful valley can be described as an oasis amid a vast, dangerous, beautiful and a most mysterious nothingness that would spell out death for an witting human. Yet there is something so natural and primitive about this dessert, that it's beauty is understood like body language, without explanation. This cannot be betrayed or altered, because it remains in a perpetual state of being: birth, evolution, death. It's meaning embedded in our bones.
What is even more amazing, is that we are all part of it.

another life

2007-09-27T20:18:00.000-07:00

another girl in another life
would have posted pictures of her freinds smiling and laughing at a bonfire tonight.
Another girl in another life, would have posted pictures of her boyfreind and her laughing and kissing round a bonfire toningt.
another girl in another life would posted pictures of fireworks
and talked about how she feels excited to be alive
how beautiful life is
how great everything is going
how great it feels to be alive
anohter girl in another life would look out her window at the fireworks from her dark bedroom

2007-09-22T15:45:00.000-07:00

The days have been dragging by likewise, I have been dragging my own self along as well.
the new and improved is no more and I only work to be done
I only wake to sleep again.
everyday is another day.
another day in the life of, "me"
sometimes I wonder if everything I see, read, hear, smell, taste, feel, experience was meant to be. This was meant to be my life. Things I have no control over and things I do, they weave together like so many threads to create my story. A story never told, and never heard because it was not meant to be. Till further notice, I am a part of the masses. A number someplace, somewhere; faceless, ageless.
Like the facelessness of the ages, even the names, Ghandi, Martin Luther King, JFK, FDR, become just that, names. The people behind them and their stories begin to fade away even as their influence saturates our lives. Distortion of the past becomes much easier. Holocaust, where? What holocaust? What is a holocaust? Is it genocide? Is genocide real?
"Ignorance breeds hate," I've heard it said, then "Ignorance breeds ignorace," I'll say. I've also heard it said that ignorance is bliss. May it be a bitter and dull bliss.

I'm only seventeen and I have so many memories, I feel so old. I actualy reminice. Fragmented memories

My Résumé

2007-08-30T20:07:00.000-07:00

Work Experience:
Water and Ice
Address: 81 S. McQueen Rd. 85233 Gilbert, AZ
Phone number: (480)507-4723
Position: Clerk, stocking, inventory, janitor, food handler, security, and server.
Duties: Closing the store for the night, locking all doors, counting out the money in the cash register, setting the alarm and locking the door after hours. During business hours I greeted, made and served food and beverages, and assisted customers. I also kept my work space clean and organized, stocked shelves, bagged ice, occasionally answered business calls, and trained new employees.
Certification: Food Handlers Permit
Skills: Operating a cash register, handling, counting, and accounting for large amounts of money, directional skills, listening skills, attention to detail as well as customer service, multitasking, bilingual abilities, (English/Spanish) and cleanliness.
Hours: 28 hours a week
Starting pay: $5.15
Last Pay: $5.15
Owner: Steve Tolboth
Duration: 6/3/06 to 9/25/06
Reason for leaving: Store went out of business.

Wal-Mart
Address: 2750 E. Germann Rd.
Phone number: (480) –812-2930
Position: Apparel associate
Duties: Organize clean and managing 8 of the apparel sections. The clothing was to be hung, folded and categorized according to size, color, price and brand. I also attended customers in the fitting rooms, both in person and on the phone. While at Wal-Mart, I passed all the random inspection standards.
Skills: Organization, cleanliness, multitasking, customer service, bilingual abilities (English/Spanish) responsibility, attention to detail, directional skills, listening skills, and phone skills.
Hours: 20 hours per week
Starting pay: $7.15
Last pay: $7.15
Supervisor: June Piposar
Duration: 10/1/06 to 12/31/06
Reason for leaving: Temporary/seasonal Position

Creative Consumer Research (CCR)
Addresses: 500 W. Broadway, Tempe Arizona
Phones: (480) 557-6666
Position: Surveyor
Duties: Approach shoppers at fiesta mall, or call people registered in the CCR data base to completing market research surveys, interviews, studies, and focus groups. Conducting surveys includes, accurately, honestly and neatly recording a respondent’s answers. At the end of each survey I was responsible for paying participants, sometimes as much as $50 in cash, for participating in our survey
In the phone room I made and answered calls to and from people in our data base. Their responses were either written, or typing into a computer.
Skills: Communication skills, bilingual (English/Spanish), listening skills, attention to details, marketing and sales skills, phone skills, customer service skills, organizational skills, handling and accounting for money, patience, friendly, typing skills, enthusiasm, persuasiveness, and computer knowledge.
Hours: 20 hour week
Starting pay: Hourly and commission, with a $10 per hour/commission
Last Pay: $12 average per hour/commission
Phone room supervisor: Barbara Thompson.
Duration: 2/11/07 to 8/5/07
Reason for leaving: Seeking new job opportunities

Academic background
Attended: Academy for Math Engineering and Science (AMES) in Salt Lake City, Utah.
Director: Al Church
Duration: 08/04 to 06/06
Grades: 9-10
Awards/ Achievements:
President and founder the AMES Academy volunteer club.
Blue Ribbon in 2006 public forum Debate tournament “Excellent Speaker”
AMES Academy Science fair participant
AMES Academy: Science advancement program award
AMES Academy science fair, honorable mention.
Salt Lake Valley Science Fair (SLVSF) Honorable Mention
Jane Goodall’s: Root’s and Shoots environmental award
American Society of Civil Engineer’s (ASCE) science award
Clubs:
AMES volunteers
AMES Bike club
Year Book
Public Forum Debate team
Science fair committee

Attended: Mesquite High School 500 S. McQueen Rd. 85233, Gilbert, Arizona.
Director: Mr. Marciano
Duration: 08/06 to Present
Clubs:
Up and Coming Voters Club
Tutoring Club
Fashion club
Speech and Debate Team
Volunteer experience:
Scottsdale Annual Arts Festival - Imagination center volunteer
Home Based Youth - “Rise N’ Dine” event volunteer.
American Cancer Association - Relay for Life
Muscular Dystrophy Association – Christmas Luncheon
Utah Aids Foundation – Christmas gift wrap
Save The Family – Made a scrapbook and birthday cards.
Boys and Girls Club of America – L.I.T. (Leader in Training).
Academy for Math Engineering and Science - Volunteer club president and founder.
Utah Children’s Center - Toy drive.
Nibley Park Elementary - Reading tutor.
Girls Scout of America - Christmas gift wrap.
Academy for Math Engineering and Science Multicultural Fair – Coordinator.

Extracurricular activities: Volunteering, biking, hiking, swimming, photography, scrap booking, reading, writing, participating in my church, and my school’s up and coming voters club, studying, looking for scholarships, and being with my family.

About myself: I.G. I’m 17 years, I moved to Arizona a little over a year ago from Salt Lake City Utah. While in Utah, I tutored kids at Nibley Park Elementary and became a member of, and L.I.T. (Leader in Training), the local Boys and Girls club. I also attended the Academy for Math Engineering and Science also known as AMES Academy; a charter school where I participated in the yearbook club and the bicycle club. I also directed and organized our school’s first annual multi-cultural fair. My sophomore year, I created the school’s first volunteer club. As president of the club it was my job to recruit and organize volunteers for various volunteer events which I scheduled with the Muscular Dystrophy Association, the Boys and Girls Club of America, the Girl Scouts, the Utah Aids Foundation, and the Utah Children’s Center. Simultaneously, I was a part of my school’s public forum debate team, where I won a Blue Ribbon in public forum. Shortly afterward, I was won honorable mentions at both the local and state science fairs. I also received the American Society of Civil Engineers science award, Jane Goodall's: Roots and Shoots Environmental award, and Ames Academy Science Advancement Program award. Once in Arizona, I became a Wildcat at Mesquite High School in Gilbert, where I joined the speech and debate team once again, as well as the “Up and Coming Voters Club,” and maintained a 3.0 or B average. Since coming to Arizona I've volunteered with Home Based Youth’s “Rise and Dine” program, The American Cancer Society’s in the Relay for Life, the Annual Scottsdale Arts Festival, and a scrap-booking/card making project for Save the Family.
At school my curriculum is filled with Honors classes, the only exception being stock market and economics. I look forward to graduating from Mesquite High School this coming May, and going on to college in the fall.

now thats a Résumé

the diagnosis...

2007-08-29T12:23:00.000-07:00

I had multiple swollen lymph nodes, plus I was feeling pretty tiered all the time, so I visited the docotor who sent me to get some bloodwork done.
I later recieved a call saying I tested positive in my bloodwork.
I was confused, positive? On what? before I could ask the receptionist continued, "You need to come down here as soon as possible,"
"um-okay, do you guys have anything open between 4 and 5 tomorrow?"
"No, you need to get down here, like- right, now." she replied with a town of annoyed urgency.
I felt a little worried and asked her exactly what had shown up positive on my blood test; I did not hear the answer, as my mom yanked the phone out of my hands when she heard me say this.
He brow looked furrowed, as she listned intently. Annoyed, I went up stairs to my room, but no sooner had I shut the door behind me when my mother bellowed from downstairs, "INDIRA?!"
Startled I opened the door and stuck my head out, and before I could even reply she hurridly spoke once more, "Put on your shoes, and lets go- we have to go down to the clinic."
Feeling a mixture of annoyance, alarm and fatigue I stuffed my feet into a pair of nearby sneakers and hurriedly shuffled downstairs. "Mom," I began, "What was positive on the-"
She zoomed by talking a mile a minute on her cell phone, already halfway out the door, and turning to whith an impatient expression, urging me to shuffle just a little bit faster.
Inside the car, "I dunno, they just called us up and told us to come down here...yeah. Okay see you then."
At last she hung up her phone. He dark skin glistned with sweat, and her expression seemed determined. Before long I broke the silence, "Who was that?"
"Your dad."
more silence.
"And the blood results?" A little too casualy.
"Don't worry, it's nothing seriouse."
Irrited I gave up and resumed listening to my ipod...extra loud.
Awhile later we pulled into the nice, little, middle class, Palo Verde family clinic owned by Dr. Chang at Chandler Gateway Medical Center. It's a nice little clinic, it's waiting room not much bigger than your sitting room, or a small living room. about 6 chairs take up two plain white walls which face a short hallway to the bathrooms. It's air conditioned, and oxymoronly enough also has a fireplace, which is, of course, minus the fire. Stacks of magazines I neatly pilled on a wooden shelf built into the fire place and relaxing, if not boring, new wave/acid jazz plays from overhead speakers. In the waiting room there are no bothersome, ever humming, florecent light, instead the blinds are drawn and, as trees outside the window sheild the harsh Arizona sunshine, meek stream of sunshine make their way into the room. It dosen't smell like old people, or medicine and strangley enough, apart from my mother and I, the waiting room was empty; The ambience of the waiting room is unlike a clinic in many ways. After a 15 minute wait, a young hispanic nurse with her nose peirced, opened the door, and breifly looked down at her clipboard reading aloud, "Indera?" She looked around as if there were many more people in the waiting room, even though only my mother and I sat in a nearby corner.
"Here," My mother motioned, and stood up gathering her purse and a few papers.
I followed them both into the actual clinic, where I was led to a scale. I knew the drill and not bothering to remove my shoes, I bravely stepped on the scale.
"161 pounds," the nurse muttered jotting it down on her clipboard, "This way."
We followed her through a series of hallways, which remined me of a maze. My mother and I were mice, the nurse was the cheese. Hurriedly waking without looking up from her clipboard she let us to a small and plain room.
On one wall a gray bed with what looked like gray wax paper spread across the top. Nearby an innocent, small, gray, foot stool and directly across it, and the bed, a grey counter and sink. I believe the theme was gray.
The doctor will be right with you." Quick smile, and nose peircing glinting the nurse disappeared behind the door.
Hummmmmmm
I looked up the florecent lights...
Hmmmmmmmmmm
"Mom?" I looked over at her on the gray little stool. She looked commical; Here sat a very overweight woman, on a tiny gray stool, her eyes closed, appearantly asleep. My mom is prone to falling asleep in quiet places in which she can rest. A few minutes is all it takes, and sometimes she'll even snore.
"hm?"
"Do you want to listen to some music?" My thumb was already poised on the song I wanted to play, in the "c" section, Clair de lune.
"No." her eyes remained closed.
Surprised, but not betraying any signs of it I persisted, "Are you sure? It's a song you love."
Her eyes opened into little slits to revel tired bloodshot eyes, annoyed she finaly agreed.
I sat to her left so I gave her the left earbud, and selected the song. Quiet piano music filled my right ear.
Song after song, we listened to, mostly along the same vein; Quiet, peaceful, spanish, english.
There was a quick rap at the door, my mother jumped a little, as the door immidiately opened revealing Dr. Jahver's bright smiling face.
When asked why we stopped by the clinic, I explained how I got a phone call that one of my blood test's came back positive, (glancing at my mother quickly) for what I did not know.
"Valley fever." My mother interjected in her broken english. She looked a little more awake, however just as tired.
Dr. Jahiver whent on to explain the disease, or fungus rather, and the medication she would be perscribing. A dose of 200ml was strong, she said, but it would only be for the next six month.
So I guess I have a disease now...I won't die from it, but I guess I'm sick. How strange...

The art of failure

2007-08-22T23:09:00.000-07:00

failing without meaning to fail is bad luck.
failing with a purpose is art.
the same goes with success.
My are will be revenge.

In july I signed up to take an honors test, I did so hoping to make it into an honor level english class. The test was available to any and all students wishing to be part of an Honors class, they must of course, first qualify. I took the test confidently and knew I would pass, and get into an honors class. The subject for which I took the test was english, my favorite subject in school, and one of the easiest for me.
Just as I had expected two days ago, my parents received a letter informing them that I had pass the honors test with a 92 and could now join the class if I wished. Since that was the only puspose of taking test, which again I stress- I passed- I decided to go ahead see my counselor in order to get sign up for the class.
I was excited and happy, feeling as if I had acheived something, getting into a prestigiouse and challenging class, I couldn't wait to see what advice my counselor for me.
"I strongly urge you not to take this class."
What had I heard wrong?
"It's an HONORS CLASS." my counselor mrs. cucio empasised with her eyes bulging. What a contrast from the smiling face that had wished me luck the day of the test.
Why had I taken the test, if even after I had passed it with a great score, they were doubtful of my abilities? What then, was the purpose of the test?
I also added that I would like to drop pre-calculus because I did not need it to graduate, or to get into community college, I did not need it at all, and I wasn't doing good in it.
Appearantly last year she had advised me not to take this course, strange because I hadn't even taken algebra II then, which is a pre-requiset course which I took upon myself to complete online over the summer, so how she guessed I would be taking pre-calc is beyond me. But anyhow she was "Not going to argue" with me.
Truthfully the whole time I felt kind of scared and a little- scratch that- a lot shocked, at her anger, her whole attitude towards me, saying things like, "If you fail this class I am not dropping it for you...even if you fail."
Why is she so certain I'm going to fail, I haven't even stepped foot in the class yet? I've never done badly in an english class my whole High School career and english is my favorite subject although the slow pace of it can be pretty dull at times. I need a challenge.
I got one today, and I'm going to finnish it.

School's out

2007-08-20T13:51:00.000-07:00

but not forever.

Promises

2007-08-19T15:04:00.001-07:00

So I'm looking up school notes and I see that this coming week our journal entry has to be about promises. At first I felt an irresistible smirk come on, promises. pfft.
I don't make promises. I don't need to, either you do what you're told, or you don't. The end, you shouldn't go around compromising yourself if you don't even know what could end up really happening.
So I began to write...
"In my family we don't make promises anymore, we just do it, and either we do what we are told, and we do it well, or we don't do it at all....."

then a though occurred to me.

"One person in my family, however, did make a life changing promise. When my grandma took in my mom and promised to take care of her till she was old enough to look after herself, she did not foresee taking care of her niece through a war which broke out in El Salvador during the early to late 80's..."

and then it all just came, like thought vomit, only it wasn't vomit, it was actually...meaningful...

"She did not foresee taking care of her through murder and crime, through safe houses in Nicaragua, and through a racist, and xenophobic Costa Rica. But she did, she took her safely out of the war by illegally leaving El Salvador, and settling down in Costa Rica. She watched over her through elementary school, through high school, through hardships of poverty, and news of war back home, till my mom walked her college graduation ceremony; diploma in hand. My grandma decided at this point my mom could look after herself and gave my parents her blessing. Her promise was complete. Because of the war the only living relative on my mom's side of the family is our grandma, and to my mom, her aunt. I feel as if my grandma struggled to survive the war in order to keep her promise to her sister."

It's weird to discover a treasure you had inside of you all along.
It's like the saying that saying, "In this world your either somebody, or a nobody"
The part that always gets omitted is the one that give this saying meaning,-
"and the only one that makes that decision is you."
Who are you?
I'm Indira Gutierrez, I'm a somebody.

First and last

2007-08-10T17:46:00.001-07:00

First day of school came and when.
It's my last year of high school
and I'm anticipating the future.
Everything I wore on the first day was new right down to my undies. But truthfully the new things wont get many any Friends, the most they'll do is make me feel a little more confident because I feel good about my stuff, look good, and may therefore make me feel more positive. But really it's an attitude thing. I could walk into school with rags on, which admittedly would make me feel a little more self conscious, but that should not interfere with my enthusiasm for learning.
And that concept is what's really motivating me to get through this final year of high school.
I have all my credits in order. In order for me to graduate I only have to take a semester of English, and a year of social studies, but I have not only met those two but I am also taking, A.P. Ecology, Stock Market Economics, Pre-Calculus, IV SR Comp (soon to be Honors English) and A.P. Psychology.
graduating with 23.50 credits instead of 21.00. Nice. Not to mention two of those credits also count as college credit as well, that is assuming I pass test, and yes, of course I will.
I'm aiming for valedictorian this year, trying not to miss a sing day of class in order to be eligible for a drawing at the end of the year, and aiming to pass all my classes.

My game plan
homework done before due date
review everyday to stay fresh
sleep earlier to get more sleep and have more energy to go to school
no work to focus souly on school
be optimistic
be curious
and be clever!

my recipe for change

2007-08-06T11:01:00.000-07:00

"Solace"

all photos by Marco Gutierrez- Madeline Cathedral in Salt Lake City Utah

my recipe for change
One drive by murder
One fatal car accident
two funerals
one of a child
a hint of a job offer
one house fire
one new puppy dog
and our lives changed forever.
All in one year 2005. by the end of that year, I had cried so much I had scabs on my eye lids that have since healed, by June 2006 we had arrive in a strange new land, of chandler AZ. I currently attend high school (not saying where!) at this point in my life I had accomplished so much by now I didn't know how I could top myself, though I knew I could.
I had won honorable mentions at the local and state science fair in Utah
At that very same state science fair I also won Jane Goodall's Roots and Shoots environmental award, and The American Society for Civil Engineers or the ASCE Science Award and later that year at the Ame's Awards Banquet I won the Ames: Academy for Math Engineering and Science, Science Advancement Program Award.
I had also won a blue ribbon at my very first debate tournament and had also founded, organized, and coordinated my own volunteer club. I had volunteer through my own club for the Utah aids foundation, the Utah children's center, and for the muscular dystrophy associations Christmas luncheon. Since then in AZ I have volunteered for the Annual Scottsdale Arts festival, the American Cancer Society's relay for life, home based youth in rise and dine, and Save the Family scrap booking, and birthday card projects. I have also applied for the discover card scholarship and became a semi-finalist. Though I did not win anything I was still proud of that one.
Even through all these great experiences what I miss most of Utah is everything! I miss my best friend Sasha, going to Fairmont Park, walking to Barns and Nobel, or the dollar movies afterward. buying pixie sticks at party America just up the parking lot. Life was so much fun. Even at the new house, we could walk our dog to Roosevelt elementary playground and let the little butterball of a puppy dog run around without a leash for awhile. He was only as big as a soccer ball, at that, but he could run so fast!
I'll miss the mountains, so beautiful in snow, rain or shine. breathtaking sunsets, those beautiful truly, white Christmas's where the Christmas lights make the snow glow, where you really could catch the snowflake on your tongue, and eyebrows, and eye lashes...
the beautiful evergreens. Those toasty summers where kids would have water balloon fights, crowd the pool, or jump into nearest river at fox point. I'll miss Ame's, I'll miss all my neighborhoods but most of all I'll miss the people, I'll miss everything and absolutely everyone.
I guess this is an unofficial, official goodbye to all that, but not for good.

New year

2007-08-04T14:00:00.000-07:00

I'm starting a new year as a senior in exactly 4 days and I can't wait. My last year of high school and it feels like once it's over, a little voice in my head will say, "Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life."
To people who have been there and done that it may not seem so important but I am about to venture into undiscovered territory and the clocks ticking away. That how I feel whenever I reach a milestone in my life, or even a small goal; I relish in it momentarily before feeling the urge to move on to the next. I guess I was meant to work, and work hard, in this life. I’m not a conformist and my life story is anything but traditional. In fact it is one of the most unique stories of anyone I know.
My mother, from El Salvador met my dad in Costa Rica, as a refugee from the civil war conflict in her country. My dad jokes that he met her in a refugee camp, I don't know if this is true.
The both grew up in the simple times, of that already simple country Costa Rica, in which I was born. They reminisce and drink coffee over memories of waking up early summer morning to pick harvest of fresh coffee beans in dense coffee Fields. Though now days the often talk more of bills and work than they do of the "good old days," when guava and lemon trees grew in our back yard.
I don't remember much of Costa Rica; I know both my grandpa and grandma on my dad's side of the family live there, as well as my mother's adoptive mother. My mom's adoptive dad, who was a priest in El Salvador during the civil war, was a prime target for attack as a religious figure. He, along with my uncle who lived with my grandma and died at the Young age of 28 later died; In Costa Rica, leaving my grandma as the only known, immediate family relative still living from my mother's side.
My dad's side of the family is also pretty interesting. His dad, a tough old bird, is nearing 80 and still walks miles everyday to market, in order to buy a loaf of bread and gossip. He was the town healer, owning a pharmacy and often making late night house calls no one else would, charging very cheaply and sometimes nothing at all if his patients were too poor to pay, something which no one else in the medical field ever did. If you're too poor to for your meds, find a place to die.
His kindness and generosity made him a sort of living legend and local celebrity. A few years ago he mailed my dad a newspaper clipping featuring a parade that took place down Main Street, the reason for celebration? My grandpa, the parade commemorated local heroes my grandpa, front and center. Yet he is humble, almost to an annoying degree.
He is getting on in his years, yet is as able as ever, and a story often circulates around the table whenever my family speaks of him; when my dad was small boy he and Friends found an Ouija board in the attic. They asked it when my grandpa would die, and it reportedly said, "150."
We're all still waiting around to see if this premonition will come true, and it seems to be well on it's way too.
My grandma on my dad's side is something like half Japanese. In any case, I know hardly anything about her, nor would I want to. She has never received my mother too warmly and apparently objected my mother and father marrying.
The rest of my fathers’ family lives in Texas. The only one that ever bother's to communicate is my dad's youngest sister, with whom we lived with, for a time in Utah; when we first came to America. The rest are fairly recluse and resent my dad living away from the family. While two of my mother's estranged siblings live in Pennsylvania, and don't bother to write or call either, as we do like wise.
Yet, like my mother has often said on the subject, she would receive them just as warmly as the last time they met. We're there for each other, but otherwise live and let live.

My own family arrived to America, when I was five and my sister two. We took a plane mind you, which is apparently unusual for Hispanics nowadays. We lived in Salt Lake City, Utah for 12 wonderful, memorable, and truly, magnificent years- which I will never forget and will always cherish. Every year counted. We moved around a lot but always settled in beautiful places, meeting great people and making lifelong friends. From quiet little Murray to the dollar movies, barns and nobles and Fairmont park aka teen scene of Sugar House, we attended catechism at Scared Heart Church in Salt Lake City, and sometimes visited Midvale’s St. Teresa, on a whim.
My dad worked for converges and my mom worked for Holy Cross Ministries as a social worker, case worker and “Promotora.” Or promoter. Helping new immigrants, most of them illegal, to become legal and find employment, abused women to find shelters and protection programs as well as a other resources (directing them to programs like a the baby basket. Which gave abused and homeless pregnant women a basket filled with baby care products such a diapers, blankets, food, shoes, and clothing; for free.) She also helped children under the custody of CPS, and kids in the juvenile detention system.

She and my father had bought a new house. My mom called it her dream home. The house its self was a two story cookie cutter house only 4 years old and built in a cookie cutter neighborhood create only 8 years ago. It was perfect.
During this time life began to settle in an almost perfect direction. I was attending a prestigious academy; my sister was studying in grade school still and poised to enter the academy soon. My dad was immersed in his hobbies of photography. Waking up early to dive out to the canyons and take some amazing photographs the likes of which, I daresay would rival some of the best. He managed to make money with this talent taking pictures for wedding, baptisms, and first communions. He was also a secretary for the church, cleaned a laundry mat, and was a bilingual (Spanish/English) teacher for adults at hunter high school all the while working at converges.
Both my parents were very connected to the church. Mainly through my mother, who worked for Holy Cross. My dad became a church secretary this way and they both befriended a total of 4 families each with kids. All 4, including my family, totaling 5; would tailgate somewhere, every weekend we drove out to “the” lake (whichever it would be), and BBQ, while the kids played in the water. The places: Mirror Lake, Bear Lake, and Yuba among others.
A year later we were in Arizona, two people dead and life completely different.

*Shooting*Stars*